Content, yet unsatisfied.

It is the finite nature of things that gives them purpose. I began this blog January 1st of 2013 and return exactly one year later to end it.

This blog began as my way to express to you what my goals for 2013. That endeavor has evolved into the single most therapeutic outlet I have ever discovered. In the fall of 2012 I found myself in a marriage that left me feeling less appreciated than I have ever felt in my entire life. I chose to be happy which meant I chose to leave. This blog became the sounding board not to blaspheme the concept of marriage but to openly and honestly approach a divorce from a humane angle and to try and vocalize how I found the best way to do that.

This blog has more than adequately served its purpose. I can now say at this point in my life that I not only have a better understanding of what it is I am, but also that my actions are in line with that identity. Now that I am past all of that, I want nothing to do with this blog. The therapy I gained from it was in the process of digging the words out of me and formulating them to the best of my ability. It was that process of creation followed along with how my soul was positively affected by making myself vulnerable in sharing all of this with you. I gathered up my emotional hindrances, purged them, and then allowed sunlight in to disinfect.

I have no right, no ground, no purpose nor benefit in holding on to some bitter resentment for some melodramatically justifiable reason to be angry because it suits me or my situation. I have alleviated more psychological adversity and successfully navigated through more emotional turmoil with writing this year than I could have possible hoped. Yet with all of that ground that I have gained with writing, it was the guidance and encouragement from all of you that made that journey possible.

This may seem like a stretch to reference my son here, but it makes absolute sense to me. When I look at him now, I see a child whose environment is so much healthier because of the perspective I have found through the encouragement from all of you. Our duty as parents is to make our children better than we were. You have helped me raise the bar for myself and, in turn, enabling me to raise the bar for him. No heart can repay that debt, but I will always appreciate it. I will also always lack the words to explain how powerful your support actually is but I know exactly how it feels; a world of a difference. That world is happy and healthy now and you have empowered it to move on. Thank you for that, and understand that you will be a part of that world as it moves on.

Thankful

This entire month I have seen many family and friends post and make references to things they are thankful for and I love seeing humility at that level. So many of us have so many things to be thankful for and I want to believe that I tend to gravitate towards the type of people whom invoke that level of humility.

I also have an incredible amount of things to be thankful for and I would like to take a moment now to specifically cite them tonight as opposed to individually throughout the month.

Over the past year, my family has forgiven the fact that I did little over the past several years to sustain my relationship with them, yet they welcome me back unconditionally. I thank them for reminding me of what the definition of 'family' really is and not what I assumed it to be. I hope that I have done well to right that ship, so to speak.

I am thankful for my career not because it allows me to sustain a budget, but for the people that I am surrounded by within it that allow me to learn from them literally every day. They challenge me not only to be a better leader but to be a better person, inside and outside of 'work'. I am commended in success but more importantly, I am supported in my failings, which is an incredibly rare combination.

I am thankful for the marriages around me that serve as examples for what I may have one day. Aside from my father, I am inspired in by so many of the men that have the taken the role 'husband' in a manner in which I strive to be one day; Kevin, Andy, Justin, John, Derek, Johnny; there are so many of you that I strive towards one day cementing the type of marital understanding that you have with your spouses.

I am finally thankful again for the person my son's mother is. I have had to reconcile with and forgive so much but I believe it to be necessary. We make a concerted effort to insure Knox is never a pawn in our differences and I would like to believe that the love we have for him is not split, yet it has been doubled down. I am thankful that she recognizes, understands and works efficiently within the necessary choice we have made regarding his living situation. I can only hope one day he is thankful for that decision as opposed to reveling in the 'why' behind it but I fear he never will be able to.

Speaking of my thankfulness for her I must take a moment regarding her family. I am incredibly thankful for the family members of hers that recognize family is not necessarily broken by a bond of marriage. You see, there are some people in this life that are just good humans and they realize that differences between others do not always yield change for them and I will always cherish the fact that they were able to recognize this.

I cannot even begin to express the thankfulness for the friends that I have. I have been supported in so many ways that I appreciate them beyond their perception. I have spent a great deal of effort keeping good people around me and if my friendship to them has meant half as much as theirs to me then I know I am at least on the right road to repaying it.

I am thankful for the relationship that I have recently been fortunate enough to stumble upon and forge. I have found someone that envelops a magnificent spark for life that I envy and try to emulate. We have a natural ability to laugh at life with one another and I am forever grateful for finding that.

Saving the absolute best for last, I am thankful for my son. I am thankful to have a healthy and happy child who literally makes me laugh out loud. Before I met him, I had never met anyone that shares my blood. As I attempt to instill in him the qualities that I believe will make him a better man than I one day, I hope he is thankful for my efforts. I genuinely hope that he understands one day why I stare at him so deeply in such a silent and satisfying wonderment.

I wish each of you a fulfilling thanksgiving not because of the actual holiday but because I believe you can only be fulfilled in life by embracing the present and appreciating what you have at every given moment. Life is too short to and we are too meek sometimes to carry the weight of the hand that has been dealt to us. I hope that you are each able to play that hand to the best of your ability and that it may ultimately yield your happiness.

A Transformation

Many of you know me well enough that I not only have a flair for the dramatics but also that everything I do ends up becoming a production. It is in that fashion that I come to you tonight with no regrets and again utilize this blog as a way to bare that to all of you.

I have had no one to impress so when it came to how I looked, I just plain stopped giving a fuck. I also began to hate the person that I had been previously. I was ashamed because I was ‘okay’ with the sacrifices I made to the integrity of my character that never yielded any gain from the person I made them for. I was disgusted by the person I had become and I no longer wanted to act, think or look like him.

I stopped caring about how I looked on the outside because I was solely focusing on fixing what was broken on the inside. This is what bred the honesty I have had towards myself that led to this blog.  It has taken me a year to dust off the pieces I have found of myself and finally embrace all of their true strengths and honest weaknesses.

As I begin to be comfortable in my own skin, I made the decision that not caring what I looked like does not align itself with what I am or what I want. Prior to any of these relationships, in my adulthood, I always kept a shorter haircut and clean shaven look. Returning back to that look this week not only makes me more recognizable to myself but the reflection I see in the mirror is not the front that I utilized to appease my then other half. I am my own within now, and I reflect that outwardly.

Is this a blog post explaining a hair cut? You could say that. If that is all you see then you have been following the transition of someone that you can only scratch the surface in understanding and I challenge you to look for more significance in life. Cutting my hair was not only the exclamation point behind the transition I have been working on for the past year but it is the indictment of my psychological and emotional rehabilitation.

This was not a change or a reckoning, this was a reinvention of self. Why? Several reasons. I have reconciled now with the fact that my actions and my appearance will both affect my environment and I am putting a better foot forward. I also have someone to impress again and this replaces the void within me that made me not want to give a damn in the first place. Am I whole? Absolutely not. I have at least found someone that helps me identify a unit of measure to possibly understand what exactly filling that void will take; and I could not be more thankful.

Darkest Before Dawn

Every once in awhile I have a tendency to allow a cliche to resound with me. I ponder over it, attempt to apply it to situations or challenge it. The phrase "It's always darkest before the dawn" is one that has done just that.

It would seem that when we are down on our luck or a series of events do not go our way, we can apply this type of thinking by default. I have found very recently that this is only the case when we allow it; a self fulfilling prophecy. I now classify this mindset as an official excuse but made the mistake of applying it to my life since last fall but abandoned it very recently.

If you subscribe to a particular faith that suggests of some type of divine intervention, I ask you to humbly set that aside and journey with me for a moment.

So much of life is out of our control and that is incredibly difficult to understand and embrace sometimes. Misery loves company and we allow our minds to begat the next downfall and accept it for just another heap of bad luck thrown onto the growing pile of disappointment. It is in that very moment, at the precipice of our challenges, that we either cast our hopes into faith or a needed stroke of good luck. It is in this moment that we either roll over and surrender or we stand and deliver with the unstoppable attitude that only our unbridled will can provide. I submit that for any type of personal growth, the latter is required.

Of the few good, hard lessons that life has either taught me or I have stopped to try and understand, the concept that only through struggle do we obtain enrichment is the most profound. Failure is arguably the greatest teacher of all and I have certainly sat at the front of the class willing to participate more than most. I do not steer away from that adversity as much as I used to and it is my belief that it is this action that has made me stronger.

If we are waiting for it to finally dawn, we must move east towards the proverbial rising sun. If we are wallowing in bad luck, it is time we create our own good luck. If we are curious as to the nature of the light at the end of the tunnel, we must accelerate relentlessly towards it.

Do not accept that fact that it is always darkest before dawn, instead embrace the fact that you alone have the ability to bring about what you dream of. The view of the world from your own two feet, planted firmly in soil that is fertile from your own will is the view that provides the most vivid colors from our own perseverance.

Identification, please.

Several times throughout this year I have referenced the search for identity, my hypothesis on the motivation for the lack thereof and even begun to speak of grasping it recently. I wish to elaborate on that and explore the topic a bit more.

Years ago, I was exposed to the concept that our greatest strength is always tied back into our greatest weakness. I had trouble comprehending that when applying that to myself. I assessed myself as the guy who can fit into any social situation. I will find the good time to be had with strangers and my presence will positively impact those around me. I have had some type of conception of this for years, ultimately motivating the multi-colored gecko tattoo on my leg; able to adapt to any situation and blend in. As ridiculous as that may seem, it was perfectly fitting for myself.

Years later and not long ago, I finally realized that I rested on that laurel so comfortably I never realized the downside to it; I fit into any situation because I lacked proper commitment to my own convictions that would go against the grain; a pushover, two-faced or a fake. I would grimace and go along with flow in the name of not disturbing the herd; it was not adaptability it was lack of character! This bled into many relationships and creating ones out of default not out of beneficial choice.

This was the most difficult thing I have ever accepted about myself as it concomitantly catalyzed the motivational fire within myself to address and change it. More difficult to accept was to address it. This meant understanding and further defining my own morals as opposed to plagiarizing those around me. Once understood, this new back bone that I had found caused me to break off many relationships that were not beneficial to myself. This realization has granted me the ability to do something I have previously had a difficult time with, confronting the person perpetrating something adverse or taking the time to notify them of the result of their actions upon me.

While persevering through this revelation, I have empowered myself with a freedom I have never felt before. Instead of biting my cheek to the point of callous, I am able to smile proudly. Forget lowering my head to appease the masses, I hold it high and proudly. Never again will I hold back words because of how I think they'll make someone feel, because after those words have thoroughly festered in resentment, their backlash will become tenfold. 

I have never been able to utilize honesty as a cornerstone in any relationship I have ever had, yet I wondered why mine sometimes end in deceit. That block is held firm now, cemented in place by the content of my character and the execution of my actions. That foundation now rests in the rubble of previous attempts in its likeness that are now strewn about. The very design of it stands out, in stark contrast, against the architecture that lays claim to the collapsed endeavors around it, and I truly take solace it uniqueness. 

A Reflection from Reflection.

I have sat down three separate times since my last post and done little more than stared at a blank screen and a flashing cursor that seemingly taunts me. It is almost as if it dares me to make it move when it somehow knows that I am unable to.

I initially cast this off as another writer's block and that I just had nothing to say. I thought on this much more and came to a different conclusion. Months ago, a close family member told me that sometimes it takes a full turn of the seasons to deal with a deep loss. Only as I come within weeks of that full turn have I begun to truly appreciate that point.

I initially started this blog as a New Year's resolution with the intent to be a better person. As I recapped previously, I have developed healthier habits but after reading over many of my posts I have come to realize that I have used this as a therapeutic vessel to express my feelings, moving on from a failed marriage. I now understand an unhappy marriage caused me to close off the creative vents I have always utilized to express myself via writing. Then, in the lull of the valley that followed that realization, I broke open those vents via this blog and have expelled resentment, anger, frustration, disappointment, all of the depression and- most importantly- used them to embrace hope again.

Now, the past few weeks I feel as if I have nothing to say. I find myself incredibly challenged with my career and feel for the first time I can confidently take the next step. I have taken ample time to reconcile every emotion perpetuated by my divorce and have a better relationship with my ex-wife than I did, even possibly prior to our marriage. I have lacked an identity from being adopted that I now find deep within the reflection of my own son's identically colored eyes which yields more comfort than I will ever be able to explain to him. Alas, I have no impingement on my heart.

What I was told about a full turn of the seasons has not only come true but it has come to fruition. Ironically, I sit here wondering why am I taking to pause, when in fact I no longer need one. Can you carry a burden so long that when it is finally gone, instead of feeling relief, you feel discomfort in the lack of its presence?

What I am feeling is the beginning of a concept that was first described to us possibly 2,000 years ago; 'Man, know thyself'. After 34 years I have finally given myself an honest look in the mirror. Seeing myself for which people perceive of me, is a only a part but it must be calculated in the sum of myself. That reflection shows me I am beginning to understand that which makes me great, also hinders me. That which hinders me must be embraced because it is that which defines my limitations; embracing them only allows me to understand and then push them farther.

It is only now that I can look that reflection and genuinely smile. There is no one over my shoulder in that mirror, just the world dawning on my horizon ahead of me.

Gut Check

If it is not measured, then it is not improved. Just over six months ago I began this blog and, more importantly, this endeavor. I find it important to look back on the goal that was set and measure progress to gauge where I really am now. To quote myself from January 1st this year...

1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately.
3. I will restart and complete my P90x program by April 1st, 2013.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey.

...and where I am now:

1. I am a little light on adding to this blog weekly but while the frequency is less, I feel the content is sufficient. In the name of not settling, I intend to address and force myself to address this pace.

2. Surprisingly, quitting smoking has been the easiest of these tasks and it has been over six months since I have had a cigarette.


3. While I did not finish this program officially I do, however, fit into the same size jeans I wore in high school for the first time in over a decade. I have also picked up running as a hobby again and completed the first 5k race I have ever ran. Again, I missed the mark, am happy with the results yet remain unsatisfied as a whole and will continue to focus on health and physical strength.

4. Steady gains here. I have eliminated just over 1/3rd of the debt necessary to call myself "debt free". To date, this is the largest stride I've made in this effort in the last several years.

5. Oh how I could dwell for a day and a half in the sweet misery of this endeavor. More to come on this with a later blog post.

This post brings no fancy words or descriptive metaphors. This post fulfills a very basic need to document where I am today. So often we set goals for ourselves and then they fall by the wayside because of boredom or the lack of developing habits. 

The main reason then that I began this blog was to announce to my friends and family that I was making a change towards health and also a promise to myself to emotionally reconcile the severing of a relationship, the embrace of a divorce and to gain an appreciation of solitude. I have completed nothing but have accomplished much and yet I stand today with a hunger and lack of satisfaction.