The Day of My Birth

At 2am on February 19th, 1979 I was born in a house in Birmingham, Michigan; an address I have no knowledge of. I was born from a British woman, 20 years of age, of whom I am not yet privileged enough to even know her name. She traveled to the United States at such a young age for reasons I have no idea of.  And I was conceived from the seed of man that, to this day, does not know that I even exist.

It was not until after 5am on February 20th that I was received at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, Michigan. Why the 27 hour delay? Will it only be, in my first day of existence, that I can say I was able to make eye contact with the woman who gave me the gift of life? Did we sit for hours staring at each other as only you knew you would make the decision to potentially never see me again? Did I stare back at you, as I memorized the beat of your heart, with a face that made you question the justification you would set in that very heart as to why you would deny yourself the title of mother that you had only to embrace?

On that day, did I lay for hours writhing in your arms seemingly paying my frustration forward for the years I will have to wait to consciously lay eyes upon you again? Was that day as difficult for you as today is for me where I have to simply wait for you to someday find the courage to meet me that is probably equivalent to the courage I have had to face life not knowing a single human being that I share blood with?  I marvel at the luxury you had to be the one to make the decision and not have the decision yielded upon you. I do acknowledge that decision comes with a heart-wrenching ramification as well to know that you are solely responsible for it.

I look back on what little records I have and they subtly bring me a smile to me as they are the only thing that I have to go on   "...with auburn hair, blue eyes, a fair complexion and a slender build."   "...very passionate in her profession"   "...the case worker described your birth mother as a very attractive 20 year old with long very long, auburn hair. The case worker stated that she was very outgoing and related well to others." 

As much as it hurts to know that this is all I know of you, it still brings a smile to my face with a certain curiosity that only has one means of ever being satisfied. I know that I simply will not have peace until I have all of the pieces. With all of this awareness and you knowing I am literally a phone call away, I still cannot possibly conceive whether the anniversary of February 19th is now more difficult for you or I.

Finding, not hitting, the wall

I had a solid 5 weeks of of driving the wagon and keeping the pedal to the metal and then...I fell right off. I went back and revisited the things I resolved to do...

1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.  Check.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately. Surprisingly enough, check.
3. I will restart and complete my p90x program by April 1st, 2013. I haven't worked out or ran in 2 weeks.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake. Not too bad, I've chipped away but no big leaps yet.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey. I feel I have successfully completed the first step which is squaring away my thoughts and feelings on closing my most recent chapter.

So overall there are some wins but more situations where I have fallen short. Just tonight, I was sitting and wallowing on a few things; I miss my son, today is the one year anniversary of a friend of mine passing, this was a stressful week at work and then I just learned that a co-worker of mine just lost her niece to her second battle with cancer while still in her early 20s.

Why is it so easy to latch on to misery and beg for company? Is it just the fact that it's the path of least resistance and a prerequisite for doing so is simply doing nothing? It is just too easy and I gravitated towards it tonight.

Then my thoughts turned to my friend that passed away last year. If that guy had it to do all over again, I am certain it would be different. Everyone knows hindsight is 20/20 but do we realize that the lens focus of foresight is exclusively controlled by determination? The vision we see of ourselves is as real as the day is when it finally comes to fruition.

It was only then that I disgusted myself. How could I have the gall to have every opportunity available to me to be something better and pass on it the past 2 weeks when people that are far greater than I will never have the chance to do so again.

I guess the lesson for myself this week is perception. I should not reconcile whether or not perception truly is the best  influence of reality but deciding that I want my reality to end up becoming influenced by the best way I can perceive it.