Finding, not hitting, the wall

I had a solid 5 weeks of of driving the wagon and keeping the pedal to the metal and then...I fell right off. I went back and revisited the things I resolved to do...

1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.  Check.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately. Surprisingly enough, check.
3. I will restart and complete my p90x program by April 1st, 2013. I haven't worked out or ran in 2 weeks.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake. Not too bad, I've chipped away but no big leaps yet.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey. I feel I have successfully completed the first step which is squaring away my thoughts and feelings on closing my most recent chapter.

So overall there are some wins but more situations where I have fallen short. Just tonight, I was sitting and wallowing on a few things; I miss my son, today is the one year anniversary of a friend of mine passing, this was a stressful week at work and then I just learned that a co-worker of mine just lost her niece to her second battle with cancer while still in her early 20s.

Why is it so easy to latch on to misery and beg for company? Is it just the fact that it's the path of least resistance and a prerequisite for doing so is simply doing nothing? It is just too easy and I gravitated towards it tonight.

Then my thoughts turned to my friend that passed away last year. If that guy had it to do all over again, I am certain it would be different. Everyone knows hindsight is 20/20 but do we realize that the lens focus of foresight is exclusively controlled by determination? The vision we see of ourselves is as real as the day is when it finally comes to fruition.

It was only then that I disgusted myself. How could I have the gall to have every opportunity available to me to be something better and pass on it the past 2 weeks when people that are far greater than I will never have the chance to do so again.

I guess the lesson for myself this week is perception. I should not reconcile whether or not perception truly is the best  influence of reality but deciding that I want my reality to end up becoming influenced by the best way I can perceive it.