To accurately summarize the past six months I would need a word that concomitantly spoke to obtaining a secure grasp on an extraordinary amount of emotional adversity as well as incorporating an exhausting effort towards reinvention of oneself.
The courthouse I visited today in Flint, Michigan is the same one I found myself in just less than 5 years ago. It was then I stood before the county clerk and applied for a marriage license with my soon to be wife. Today, in that same courthouse, I stood beside that same woman yet only this time we legally bid adieus to one another.
I began this blog to document the promises I made to make myself a better human being. I wanted full accountability for myself and from my friends and family. Through this journey, I have spent considerable amount of time trying to understand what aspects of me are genuine and which aspects of me I have added because I am compensating for someone or something.
Today, as I stepped out of that courthouse I was blasted with a cold March wind, but it was the knowledge that I am on the right path that struck me swifter. As I walked down the street, hair in my eyes, face turning red with the bite of the wind and my arms tucked closely to stifle the heat from leaving my body, my coattails flapped in the wind behind me but it was as if they were waiving goodbye to something. Turning a page. Ending a chapter. Finally free to move on.
Tonight I let go of any grudge I have held. I spit out all the grit that I've reluctantly chewed. I absolve myself from all of pain that I have blended with cheap scotch. I disarm all of the blame I have allowed myself to carry. I surrender to the idea that the rest of my life is mine to write. Then, I succumb to the feelings that I could never face; I am my own.
Tonight I breathed a reluctant sigh for the manner in which I decided to help write that last chapter. But before that breath could completely leave my lungs, I shed a tear for how beautiful that next chapter will be written.
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