I, Present.

I made the decision to set out on my own during the fall of last year. Somehow I never realized the metaphorical significance of that until now.

The fall season foreshadows to all life that you must minimalize and simplify everything in the name of survival. Growth stops, trees shed leaves and all of the color in the world slowly fades. All life must strip down to its bare essentials for the coming winter and prepare to bare the brunt of the elements. This is precisely the process that I have adopted in terms of my emotions and finances.

You are always your own worst critic but when the winter hits, you are shut indoors and you are alone the criticisms flow faster than the scotch. The questions that dizzied my head all relayed to marriage, fatherhood, commitment, family, morality, sacrifice and several other heavy hitting and akin topics. You eventually have to bundle up to the only thing you have; your principles.

As the ice began to thaw, I began to accept myself. In hindsight, when you're not seeing red or trying to focus through tears, the clarity is truly profound. Are there lasting ramifications to my decision to follow through with a divorce? Undoubtedly. Will more good come from that decision to all parties involved? Unequivocally.

As the decomposed leaves serve to enrich the soil for it's next endeavor, I will break down these now-useless feelings and allow them to enrich my soul, filling in the holes that were torn open. The winter is over and seeds of new direction have been sown. My potential has patiently gathered under the soil and its appetite is thoroughly wet.

The summer sun is just beyond the horizon. I have put behind me all of the concerns with any of the actions I have taken. I have begun to understand what I look like on the inside for the first time in my life. I thought once I understood and accepted what brought me to where I am then my path moving forward would be clear to me. It is not.

My new found confidence of standing tall, ready to move on is jaded by the oddity of not knowing where to go. It is only now that I realize everything I've been working on and trying reconcile are all things in the past. I have been dealing with the thoughts of events that have already occurred.

I realize, I am finally in the present. I have arrived but I have not yet begun. My confidence and aspirations are firmly affixed to my being and they bring a smile to me as I take this first step.

Examining the 'why?'

A friend of mine I recently reunited with ironically brought up a concept that our reunion spoke to. He said he had heard somewhere that friends come into your life for "a reason, a season, or a lifetime". This is basically the idea that maybe this person was sent into your life to help you with a certain issue; a reason. Perhaps they were sent into your life for a longer period of time to help you grow and develop in a different light; a season. This concept also suggests that fewer people enter your life for to be a permanent addition; a lifetime.

After thinking about this idea thoroughly, while it has a poetic ring to it and romanticizes the idea of when a friend might leave your life, I call 'horseshit' on the idea in its entirety.

As I have previously discussed in this blog, I was adopted before my 1st birthday and my son is the only blood relative of mine that I have ever met. I was fortunate enough to be adopted by a great family whom I love very much. Perhaps because much of who my family is was based on choice, I choose to place a strong emphasis on the friendships I am fortunate enough to make and I spend a considerable time developing them.    

Regardless of what your faith is (or lack thereof), if you choose to strive to be a genuinely good human you should keep good people around you. I have always lived my life by the philosophy that when you find good people, you keep them in your life.

If someone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and a good friendship is created from that, then your lack of effort that causes them to leave is treason. Had I allowed people to leave my life because the 'reason' was completed or the 'season' was over then life would only be more difficult. Had I not gone back and made the effort to re-establish the relationship with my family and had I not maintained the friendships I have developed over the years then the darkness of the past 7 months would have only been further enveloped in loneliness. They say it is darkest before dawn but the relationships I am lucky enough to have, serve to starlight the horizon that is leading me back to the warmth. 

I choose not to forget that.