My Father

Unfortunately a significant portion of my circle of friends overlap with a group of folks that were raised, or lack thereof, by bad fathers and Father's Day brings them seldom less than resentment. While I harbor all of my own concerns and emotions regarding my biological parents, I will say that I could not have been taken in and adopted by a better man than my father.

There are men in this world that are able to do many things in their lifetime but I greatly doubt than any man could be a better father to me than mine is. I have lived a very seemingly, quickly paced 34 years and have yet to meet a man who is more fair than he is.

Fair. Yes, that is the adjective I describe him with because not only does he do 'fair' better than anyone else, but it is 'fair' that we need more of today. There are fathers that deliver 'tough love' and fathers that bend too easily and fairness is the perfect balance between the two. My father never maliciously struck me but there were rare physical and disciplinary actions taken that I recognize as necessary. I was never starved for attention but was encouraged to earn the respect that I wanted to deserve. Lastly, my father sacrificed much of the ceiling of his own career for the benefit of his family and children.

My moral compass was not instilled in me by my Creator. I did not deduct a sense of what is right and wrong from a glorified book. My sense of morality is a learned behavior from what I have experienced but the comprehension of that begins with what we are taught and I must attribute much of that foundation to my father.

This also sets a high bar for how I raise my son. As I've stated before, our job as parents is to condition our children to be better human beings than we are; my work is cut out for me. 

I have heard the cliche that men marry a woman who is much like their mother and they emulate their fathers. I could only be so lucky to one day demonstrate the love, understanding and patience of that man. I have less than forty years based on our age difference to exercise abilities such as that yet I feel I need several lifetimes to get there.

Bleed It Out

The human heart is the quintessential component when it comes to expressing metaphorically how we feel. I find there to be an incredible amount of significance in the 'why' behind that, in which I will then ironically utilize to express how I feel.

Plainly put, the heart is a muscle. If the heart is physically susceptible to all the same principals that any other muscle is, then it is only logical that those properties bleed into the metaphorical use of the heart as well.

The more a heart is exercised the more powerful it becomes and the harder it is able to work. When a heart pumps, it pushes blood away and pulls blood towards it. When we love, it must be reciprocated. That assimilated act of pumping blood to and from mirrors pumping love to and from it, soundly strengthening it.

 If we choose not to exert love then we cannot take love in. If a heart solely takes love in and never gives back it would be overwhelmed and the one-way pressure would tear it in half. If we altruistically outwardly love and it is never given back our heart would have nothing left to give, there must be an awareness to this precious balance.

Also, when a muscle is neglected and not used, it will begin to atrophy. Under precise conditions, a muscle can be eaten away and worn to nothing. Our hearts were meant to love as much as they were meant to beat and keep our organs oxygenated. To not love is to not live and to not gamble the risk is to never reap the reward. We must not be conservative with our ability to love.

The last and also the most interesting scenario is an injured muscle. Currently I find this situation most accurate for myself. You can pull, strain or even tear a muscle, it can take an incredible amount of external damage. If that is the case, then under no circumstances if the right mindset is applied and the proper amount of time is utilized can anyone not be able to love.

Previously and recently I have given thought to the concept that perhaps my heart just wasn't cast correctly to love someone unconditionally. As an adolescent I wrote a poem that suggested my circumstances were unique and that my heart was different. Oh how naive I was and how dramatically pleasing ignorance can be.

I am persevering through that currently but I do believe I have adopted the right mindset. If time heals all wounds and above all my heart never stopped beating then I owe it to myself to have the courage of my convictions and love again one day.

A New Direction

The concept of divorce dates back almost 4,000 years ago in some cultures. There were certain moral or religious ramifications that would justify a man divorcing his wife. As silly as some of those reasons may sound today, I am sure of the fact that most people do not handle divorce any better than those civilizations did thousands of years ago.

It is through divorce that I am thankful for the woman my ex-wife is all over again.

That concept may sound absurd to some people yet I challenge those who view it that way. Can you not find reasons today that made you appreciate that person in the past? If not, you are sadly mistaken and your priorities are incredibly misplaced by your own ego, especially if children are involved.

It has taken months for us to get out of the woods and get consistently to a point of being cordial with one another. However, a child is created in the representation of two people's love for one another, there is nothing more sacred than that. Nothing. In divorce, to consistently fight with that same person is to remove integrity from the concept that you put your children first.

We want our children to be better than what we are. If I find myself to be an incredibly passionate person, able to forgive the greatest of trespasses and a very loving person than I have set the bar high for my son. Furthermore, it is also my duty to make sure he beats my mark. To me, that commitment is parenthood. How can anyone expect to teach their child any of that if they hold some grudge towards the mother?

Let me not misrepresent myself, the ship her and I had has long since parted and is not coming back to port to dock ever again. It was infamous for navigating the roughest of waters yet we were able to create the most beautiful child I have ever laid eyes on. Paradoxically profound.

I respect her for making the sacrifices she did to bear this child and that deed will never go forgotten. Through divorce and time, I am beginning to find the person I adored so long ago. She is a great human being and a wonderful mother and I will appreciate her always.

I am finally able desert this bitterest of resentments towards her and that lifts the most incredible weight from my chest.