I have sat down three separate times since my last post and done little more than stared at a blank screen and a flashing cursor that seemingly taunts me. It is almost as if it dares me to make it move when it somehow knows that I am unable to.
I initially cast this off as another writer's block and that I just had nothing to say. I thought on this much more and came to a different conclusion. Months ago, a close family member told me that sometimes it takes a full turn of the seasons to deal with a deep loss. Only as I come within weeks of that full turn have I begun to truly appreciate that point.
I initially started this blog as a New Year's resolution with the intent to be a better person. As I recapped previously, I have developed healthier habits but after reading over many of my posts I have come to realize that I have used this as a therapeutic vessel to express my feelings, moving on from a failed marriage. I now understand an unhappy marriage caused me to close off the creative vents I have always utilized to express myself via writing. Then, in the lull of the valley that followed that realization, I broke open those vents via this blog and have expelled resentment, anger, frustration, disappointment, all of the depression and- most importantly- used them to embrace hope again.
Now, the past few weeks I feel as if I have nothing to say. I find myself incredibly challenged with my career and feel for the first time I can confidently take the next step. I have taken ample time to reconcile every emotion perpetuated by my divorce and have a better relationship with my ex-wife than I did, even possibly prior to our marriage. I have lacked an identity from being adopted that I now find deep within the reflection of my own son's identically colored eyes which yields more comfort than I will ever be able to explain to him. Alas, I have no impingement on my heart.
What I was told about a full turn of the seasons has not only come true but it has come to fruition. Ironically, I sit here wondering why am I taking to pause, when in fact I no longer need one. Can you carry a burden so long that when it is finally gone, instead of feeling relief, you feel discomfort in the lack of its presence?
What I am feeling is the beginning of a concept that was first described to us possibly 2,000 years ago; 'Man, know thyself'. After 34 years I have finally given myself an honest look in the mirror. Seeing myself for which people perceive of me, is a only a part but it must be calculated in the sum of myself. That reflection shows me I am beginning to understand that which makes me great, also hinders me. That which hinders me must be embraced because it is that which defines my limitations; embracing them only allows me to understand and then push them farther.
It is only now that I can look that reflection and genuinely smile. There is no one over my shoulder in that mirror, just the world dawning on my horizon ahead of me.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Gut Check
If it is not measured, then it is not improved. Just over six months ago I began this blog and, more importantly, this endeavor. I find it important to look back on the goal that was set and measure progress to gauge where I really am now. To quote myself from January 1st this year...
1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately.
3. I will restart and complete my P90x program by April 1st, 2013.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey.
...and where I am now:
1. I am a little light on adding to this blog weekly but while the frequency is less, I feel the content is sufficient. In the name of not settling, I intend to address and force myself to address this pace.
2. Surprisingly, quitting smoking has been the easiest of these tasks and it has been over six months since I have had a cigarette.
3. While I did not finish this program officially I do, however, fit into the same size jeans I wore in high school for the first time in over a decade. I have also picked up running as a hobby again and completed the first 5k race I have ever ran. Again, I missed the mark, am happy with the results yet remain unsatisfied as a whole and will continue to focus on health and physical strength.
4. Steady gains here. I have eliminated just over 1/3rd of the debt necessary to call myself "debt free". To date, this is the largest stride I've made in this effort in the last several years.
5. Oh how I could dwell for a day and a half in the sweet misery of this endeavor. More to come on this with a later blog post.
This post brings no fancy words or descriptive metaphors. This post fulfills a very basic need to document where I am today. So often we set goals for ourselves and then they fall by the wayside because of boredom or the lack of developing habits.
The main reason then that I began this blog was to announce to my friends and family that I was making a change towards health and also a promise to myself to emotionally reconcile the severing of a relationship, the embrace of a divorce and to gain an appreciation of solitude. I have completed nothing but have accomplished much and yet I stand today with a hunger and lack of satisfaction.
1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately.
3. I will restart and complete my P90x program by April 1st, 2013.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey.
...and where I am now:
1. I am a little light on adding to this blog weekly but while the frequency is less, I feel the content is sufficient. In the name of not settling, I intend to address and force myself to address this pace.
2. Surprisingly, quitting smoking has been the easiest of these tasks and it has been over six months since I have had a cigarette.
3. While I did not finish this program officially I do, however, fit into the same size jeans I wore in high school for the first time in over a decade. I have also picked up running as a hobby again and completed the first 5k race I have ever ran. Again, I missed the mark, am happy with the results yet remain unsatisfied as a whole and will continue to focus on health and physical strength.
4. Steady gains here. I have eliminated just over 1/3rd of the debt necessary to call myself "debt free". To date, this is the largest stride I've made in this effort in the last several years.
5. Oh how I could dwell for a day and a half in the sweet misery of this endeavor. More to come on this with a later blog post.
This post brings no fancy words or descriptive metaphors. This post fulfills a very basic need to document where I am today. So often we set goals for ourselves and then they fall by the wayside because of boredom or the lack of developing habits.
The main reason then that I began this blog was to announce to my friends and family that I was making a change towards health and also a promise to myself to emotionally reconcile the severing of a relationship, the embrace of a divorce and to gain an appreciation of solitude. I have completed nothing but have accomplished much and yet I stand today with a hunger and lack of satisfaction.
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