A Reflection from Reflection.

I have sat down three separate times since my last post and done little more than stared at a blank screen and a flashing cursor that seemingly taunts me. It is almost as if it dares me to make it move when it somehow knows that I am unable to.

I initially cast this off as another writer's block and that I just had nothing to say. I thought on this much more and came to a different conclusion. Months ago, a close family member told me that sometimes it takes a full turn of the seasons to deal with a deep loss. Only as I come within weeks of that full turn have I begun to truly appreciate that point.

I initially started this blog as a New Year's resolution with the intent to be a better person. As I recapped previously, I have developed healthier habits but after reading over many of my posts I have come to realize that I have used this as a therapeutic vessel to express my feelings, moving on from a failed marriage. I now understand an unhappy marriage caused me to close off the creative vents I have always utilized to express myself via writing. Then, in the lull of the valley that followed that realization, I broke open those vents via this blog and have expelled resentment, anger, frustration, disappointment, all of the depression and- most importantly- used them to embrace hope again.

Now, the past few weeks I feel as if I have nothing to say. I find myself incredibly challenged with my career and feel for the first time I can confidently take the next step. I have taken ample time to reconcile every emotion perpetuated by my divorce and have a better relationship with my ex-wife than I did, even possibly prior to our marriage. I have lacked an identity from being adopted that I now find deep within the reflection of my own son's identically colored eyes which yields more comfort than I will ever be able to explain to him. Alas, I have no impingement on my heart.

What I was told about a full turn of the seasons has not only come true but it has come to fruition. Ironically, I sit here wondering why am I taking to pause, when in fact I no longer need one. Can you carry a burden so long that when it is finally gone, instead of feeling relief, you feel discomfort in the lack of its presence?

What I am feeling is the beginning of a concept that was first described to us possibly 2,000 years ago; 'Man, know thyself'. After 34 years I have finally given myself an honest look in the mirror. Seeing myself for which people perceive of me, is a only a part but it must be calculated in the sum of myself. That reflection shows me I am beginning to understand that which makes me great, also hinders me. That which hinders me must be embraced because it is that which defines my limitations; embracing them only allows me to understand and then push them farther.

It is only now that I can look that reflection and genuinely smile. There is no one over my shoulder in that mirror, just the world dawning on my horizon ahead of me.