Identification, please.

Several times throughout this year I have referenced the search for identity, my hypothesis on the motivation for the lack thereof and even begun to speak of grasping it recently. I wish to elaborate on that and explore the topic a bit more.

Years ago, I was exposed to the concept that our greatest strength is always tied back into our greatest weakness. I had trouble comprehending that when applying that to myself. I assessed myself as the guy who can fit into any social situation. I will find the good time to be had with strangers and my presence will positively impact those around me. I have had some type of conception of this for years, ultimately motivating the multi-colored gecko tattoo on my leg; able to adapt to any situation and blend in. As ridiculous as that may seem, it was perfectly fitting for myself.

Years later and not long ago, I finally realized that I rested on that laurel so comfortably I never realized the downside to it; I fit into any situation because I lacked proper commitment to my own convictions that would go against the grain; a pushover, two-faced or a fake. I would grimace and go along with flow in the name of not disturbing the herd; it was not adaptability it was lack of character! This bled into many relationships and creating ones out of default not out of beneficial choice.

This was the most difficult thing I have ever accepted about myself as it concomitantly catalyzed the motivational fire within myself to address and change it. More difficult to accept was to address it. This meant understanding and further defining my own morals as opposed to plagiarizing those around me. Once understood, this new back bone that I had found caused me to break off many relationships that were not beneficial to myself. This realization has granted me the ability to do something I have previously had a difficult time with, confronting the person perpetrating something adverse or taking the time to notify them of the result of their actions upon me.

While persevering through this revelation, I have empowered myself with a freedom I have never felt before. Instead of biting my cheek to the point of callous, I am able to smile proudly. Forget lowering my head to appease the masses, I hold it high and proudly. Never again will I hold back words because of how I think they'll make someone feel, because after those words have thoroughly festered in resentment, their backlash will become tenfold. 

I have never been able to utilize honesty as a cornerstone in any relationship I have ever had, yet I wondered why mine sometimes end in deceit. That block is held firm now, cemented in place by the content of my character and the execution of my actions. That foundation now rests in the rubble of previous attempts in its likeness that are now strewn about. The very design of it stands out, in stark contrast, against the architecture that lays claim to the collapsed endeavors around it, and I truly take solace it uniqueness.