A Transformation

Many of you know me well enough that I not only have a flair for the dramatics but also that everything I do ends up becoming a production. It is in that fashion that I come to you tonight with no regrets and again utilize this blog as a way to bare that to all of you.

I have had no one to impress so when it came to how I looked, I just plain stopped giving a fuck. I also began to hate the person that I had been previously. I was ashamed because I was ‘okay’ with the sacrifices I made to the integrity of my character that never yielded any gain from the person I made them for. I was disgusted by the person I had become and I no longer wanted to act, think or look like him.

I stopped caring about how I looked on the outside because I was solely focusing on fixing what was broken on the inside. This is what bred the honesty I have had towards myself that led to this blog.  It has taken me a year to dust off the pieces I have found of myself and finally embrace all of their true strengths and honest weaknesses.

As I begin to be comfortable in my own skin, I made the decision that not caring what I looked like does not align itself with what I am or what I want. Prior to any of these relationships, in my adulthood, I always kept a shorter haircut and clean shaven look. Returning back to that look this week not only makes me more recognizable to myself but the reflection I see in the mirror is not the front that I utilized to appease my then other half. I am my own within now, and I reflect that outwardly.

Is this a blog post explaining a hair cut? You could say that. If that is all you see then you have been following the transition of someone that you can only scratch the surface in understanding and I challenge you to look for more significance in life. Cutting my hair was not only the exclamation point behind the transition I have been working on for the past year but it is the indictment of my psychological and emotional rehabilitation.

This was not a change or a reckoning, this was a reinvention of self. Why? Several reasons. I have reconciled now with the fact that my actions and my appearance will both affect my environment and I am putting a better foot forward. I also have someone to impress again and this replaces the void within me that made me not want to give a damn in the first place. Am I whole? Absolutely not. I have at least found someone that helps me identify a unit of measure to possibly understand what exactly filling that void will take; and I could not be more thankful.