A Sense

The fateful turn of an event
or for reasons we never meant
could possibly draw us together.
There is no way to prevent
the reason you were sent
was to create a bond that does not sever.

I stood standing, soaked as it rained
slowly letting it wash away all of the pain
and now you encompass all that I feel.
The faith that I can be whole is all I retain
and it stirs my hunger again,
yet somehow you seem so surreal.

None of this could be planned
or fall disingenuous under command
but I will find you, high cost, whatever it may be.
After looking inward to fully understand
I will look for you, strong of heart and steady hand
but if I only knew your identity.

A Reckoning

There are moments in life that genuinely stop you in your tracks and force you to question the very path you are on, regardless of how steadfast your pace and confident your step. I had a moment very much like that this weekend.

As I lost control of the car, a moment came to pass where it was over in a flash yet every intricate and vivid detail seemingly made it last for hours. The tires screamed as if to warn of the coming mechanical onslaught of what was about to occur. I turned my head to look out of the driver side window and the highway surged towards me as I slid. Each yellow dash in the road disappeared under the vehicle, one after the other, as if to represent a single second in the countdown to something awful.

The view through that same side view window was suddenly obstructed by the road itself; the vehicle now began a roll that would last for two full revolutions. Glass exploded from every angle as my ears were filled with the most god awful noise I have ever heard. Steel, glass, concrete and fiberglass all began to violently collide into one another with complete disregard to the passenger of mere flesh and bone.

Somehow within this moment of complete and utter chaos, I had a quiet moment of clarity. The vehicle was completing its last roll and my only recollection from that specific second was that it was somehow deafeningly quiet and I had a sudden rush of calm wash over me. That sensation came with the lone, confident feeling that somehow everything would be alright. The vehicle landed back on its tires, I removed my seat belt and stepped out of the vehicle shaken but virtually unscathed.

As a deist, I have always doubted divine intervention. It has always seemed to me, assuming a god does intervene, the weight of the awful things that happen always outweigh the good of the miracles; this leads me to reject the concept. Examining the unharmed state in which I emerged from that vehicle has added a hairline fracture to my modern deist foundation. Was it luck or am I destined for something else?

Second chances are one of the most difficult commodities to obtain and never one that should ever be taken for granted. The only thing that I will take from this "second chance", if I may, is the sheer advantage of it. That night will remain in the forefront of my thoughts for quite some time as will remembering to count every blessing I ever have the fortune of receiving.

Solitude

It is unfortunate that today words like "solitude", "solitary" and "alone" have such an adverse sound to them. None of them are depressing in definition but we think of sadness when we hear them. I am beginning to believe that we think this way because we are afraid to be what these words are. We fear what we do not know.

For years now I have had what I am calling "Jerry Maguire syndrome". You have seen the movie, Tom Cruise plays the guy that "cannot be alone". In the 12 years since I moved back to Michigan I have been in 3 relationships and over that time I have been cumulatively single for a whopping 3 months. It is abhorrently apparent that I did none of those women, or myself, any favor in regards to being ready for that commitment.

We justify this quick jump with excuses about how there was no love at the end of that relationship or that we have been in long term relationships before so we knew what to expect. Even worse, sometimes we will fill ourselves up with how exciting it is to be pursued by the next person. I would ask if we are kidding ourselves but we obviously are. The problem is, behaving this way is proceeding forward with reckless abandon for our own selves as well as that next person. They will become collateral damage. As you jump in their boat, the loss of that previous relationship that you never came to terms with will rise as an undetected rocky reef and sink you well before you get to that sunset you sailed off towards together.

To deny this fact is to move forward with malice towards the next heart you pursue. I have finally admitted that and grasped this concept; solitude is a great teacher.

One of my favorite movies, 'Into the Wild', taught me a profound quote: "Happiness is only real when it is shared." I recognize this, yet long to embrace it. My first thought is I cannot wait to venture out, but the fact is I can wait. I must wait. We must wait and give ourselves time. I have nothing less to offer the next person than a depressed, disorganized, disheveled shell of myself that still wallows in uncharted waters of what I am.  I am better than this and that next person deserves better than this. I will navigate those waters and be sure to map out those reefs thoroughly before allowing any boat within them.

Happiness is only real when it is shared but our intentions are only true when it is real happiness that we seek to share, not the miseries and unsettled pasts of previous broken hearts and shattered dreams.

Self-sufficient

To accurately summarize the past six months I would need a word that concomitantly spoke to obtaining a secure grasp on an extraordinary amount of emotional adversity as well as incorporating an exhausting effort towards reinvention of oneself.

The courthouse I visited today in Flint, Michigan is the same one I found myself in just less than 5 years ago. It was then I stood before the county clerk and applied for a marriage license with my soon to be wife. Today, in that same courthouse, I stood beside that same woman yet only this time we legally bid adieus to one another.

I began this blog to document the promises I made to make myself a better human being. I wanted full accountability for myself and from my friends and family. Through this journey, I have spent considerable amount of time trying to understand what aspects of me are genuine and which aspects of me I have added because I am compensating for someone or something.

Today, as I stepped out of that courthouse I was blasted with a cold March wind, but it was the knowledge that I am on the right path that struck me swifter. As I walked down the street, hair in my eyes, face turning red with the bite of the wind and my arms tucked closely to stifle the heat from leaving my body, my coattails flapped in the wind behind me but it was as if they were waiving goodbye to something. Turning a page. Ending a chapter. Finally free to move on.

Tonight I let go of any grudge I have held. I spit out all the grit that I've reluctantly chewed. I absolve myself from all of pain that I have blended with cheap scotch. I disarm all of the blame I have allowed myself to carry. I surrender to the idea that the rest of my life is mine to write. Then, I succumb to the feelings that I could never face; I am my own.

Tonight I breathed a reluctant sigh for the manner in which I decided to help write that last chapter. But before that breath could completely leave my lungs, I shed a tear for how beautiful that next chapter will be written.

The Day of My Birth

At 2am on February 19th, 1979 I was born in a house in Birmingham, Michigan; an address I have no knowledge of. I was born from a British woman, 20 years of age, of whom I am not yet privileged enough to even know her name. She traveled to the United States at such a young age for reasons I have no idea of.  And I was conceived from the seed of man that, to this day, does not know that I even exist.

It was not until after 5am on February 20th that I was received at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, Michigan. Why the 27 hour delay? Will it only be, in my first day of existence, that I can say I was able to make eye contact with the woman who gave me the gift of life? Did we sit for hours staring at each other as only you knew you would make the decision to potentially never see me again? Did I stare back at you, as I memorized the beat of your heart, with a face that made you question the justification you would set in that very heart as to why you would deny yourself the title of mother that you had only to embrace?

On that day, did I lay for hours writhing in your arms seemingly paying my frustration forward for the years I will have to wait to consciously lay eyes upon you again? Was that day as difficult for you as today is for me where I have to simply wait for you to someday find the courage to meet me that is probably equivalent to the courage I have had to face life not knowing a single human being that I share blood with?  I marvel at the luxury you had to be the one to make the decision and not have the decision yielded upon you. I do acknowledge that decision comes with a heart-wrenching ramification as well to know that you are solely responsible for it.

I look back on what little records I have and they subtly bring me a smile to me as they are the only thing that I have to go on   "...with auburn hair, blue eyes, a fair complexion and a slender build."   "...very passionate in her profession"   "...the case worker described your birth mother as a very attractive 20 year old with long very long, auburn hair. The case worker stated that she was very outgoing and related well to others." 

As much as it hurts to know that this is all I know of you, it still brings a smile to my face with a certain curiosity that only has one means of ever being satisfied. I know that I simply will not have peace until I have all of the pieces. With all of this awareness and you knowing I am literally a phone call away, I still cannot possibly conceive whether the anniversary of February 19th is now more difficult for you or I.

Finding, not hitting, the wall

I had a solid 5 weeks of of driving the wagon and keeping the pedal to the metal and then...I fell right off. I went back and revisited the things I resolved to do...

1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.  Check.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately. Surprisingly enough, check.
3. I will restart and complete my p90x program by April 1st, 2013. I haven't worked out or ran in 2 weeks.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake. Not too bad, I've chipped away but no big leaps yet.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey. I feel I have successfully completed the first step which is squaring away my thoughts and feelings on closing my most recent chapter.

So overall there are some wins but more situations where I have fallen short. Just tonight, I was sitting and wallowing on a few things; I miss my son, today is the one year anniversary of a friend of mine passing, this was a stressful week at work and then I just learned that a co-worker of mine just lost her niece to her second battle with cancer while still in her early 20s.

Why is it so easy to latch on to misery and beg for company? Is it just the fact that it's the path of least resistance and a prerequisite for doing so is simply doing nothing? It is just too easy and I gravitated towards it tonight.

Then my thoughts turned to my friend that passed away last year. If that guy had it to do all over again, I am certain it would be different. Everyone knows hindsight is 20/20 but do we realize that the lens focus of foresight is exclusively controlled by determination? The vision we see of ourselves is as real as the day is when it finally comes to fruition.

It was only then that I disgusted myself. How could I have the gall to have every opportunity available to me to be something better and pass on it the past 2 weeks when people that are far greater than I will never have the chance to do so again.

I guess the lesson for myself this week is perception. I should not reconcile whether or not perception truly is the best  influence of reality but deciding that I want my reality to end up becoming influenced by the best way I can perceive it.

Realigning Relationships

After the blog I posted last week I did a significant amount of thinking on it and soul searching, if you will. In that post, I came to the realization that there were things within myself I needed to understand and embrace whether they were good or bad. I had initially intended to have a relaxing weekend where I would partner up with a bottle of scotch and do a little more writing. Instead, I ended up doing a ton of running around and helping other people out yet I was still left feeling very self-satisfied but I had no explanation as to why.

The more I began to answer that 'why' the more the irony set in. Over the past few weeks I have been coming to terms with understanding what aspects of 'me' make me 'me', if that makes sense. Since my son was born almost two years ago I have worked at being a father every day. Up until this past fall, I also spent a significant amount of time trying to be a better husband, ultimately to no avail. With all the effort exerted there, I forgot that I am also a son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew and a friend. This weekend I was humbly reminded of all six of those.

I set out with the idea of sitting alone this weekend and attempting to gather shreds if identity within myself and to gain a better internal understanding. I was delivered a weekend not of that but of helping other people and reconnecting with old friends and have gathered more of that self-identity than had I only spent that time alone.

I have spent most of my 2013 thinking of ways to focus on or reconcile myself internally but feel I've made more gains this weekend by hardly focusing on myself at all. I have spent time pondering ways to capture and understand identity internally and gained great insight with external measures. Adding to the efforts of trying to be a better father, these past few weeks and especially this past weekend I feel I have made a genuine effort at becoming a more thoughtful son, a closer brother, an uncle to look up to, a cousin that can be leaned on, a nephew that can be depended on and a great friend who can be there and this has brought more of a sense of what I am than any solitary action, thought or poem I could have written.

In my New Year's Day post when I started this blog, I did not specifically bullet point 'reconnecting with my family and good people' but have been working to do that. Spending more time with my family and re-establishing great friendships that I've allowed to wilt a bit over the years has been one of the most invigorating and rewarding experiences of my life to date. I set out to do that because I geneuinely care about those people and wanted them back in my life. The fufillment, sense of identity and satisfaction that I have gotten from that choice is simply overwhelming and I cannot thank those family members and those close friends of mine enough for welcoming me back with open arms.

I know that I have a long way to go but I really feel that not only did I pull down a major 'win' for myself this weekend but I did it with the help of those that I love the most and am happily indebted to them for it; I eagerly await the next moment I can pay it back again.