My Father

Unfortunately a significant portion of my circle of friends overlap with a group of folks that were raised, or lack thereof, by bad fathers and Father's Day brings them seldom less than resentment. While I harbor all of my own concerns and emotions regarding my biological parents, I will say that I could not have been taken in and adopted by a better man than my father.

There are men in this world that are able to do many things in their lifetime but I greatly doubt than any man could be a better father to me than mine is. I have lived a very seemingly, quickly paced 34 years and have yet to meet a man who is more fair than he is.

Fair. Yes, that is the adjective I describe him with because not only does he do 'fair' better than anyone else, but it is 'fair' that we need more of today. There are fathers that deliver 'tough love' and fathers that bend too easily and fairness is the perfect balance between the two. My father never maliciously struck me but there were rare physical and disciplinary actions taken that I recognize as necessary. I was never starved for attention but was encouraged to earn the respect that I wanted to deserve. Lastly, my father sacrificed much of the ceiling of his own career for the benefit of his family and children.

My moral compass was not instilled in me by my Creator. I did not deduct a sense of what is right and wrong from a glorified book. My sense of morality is a learned behavior from what I have experienced but the comprehension of that begins with what we are taught and I must attribute much of that foundation to my father.

This also sets a high bar for how I raise my son. As I've stated before, our job as parents is to condition our children to be better human beings than we are; my work is cut out for me. 

I have heard the cliche that men marry a woman who is much like their mother and they emulate their fathers. I could only be so lucky to one day demonstrate the love, understanding and patience of that man. I have less than forty years based on our age difference to exercise abilities such as that yet I feel I need several lifetimes to get there.

Bleed It Out

The human heart is the quintessential component when it comes to expressing metaphorically how we feel. I find there to be an incredible amount of significance in the 'why' behind that, in which I will then ironically utilize to express how I feel.

Plainly put, the heart is a muscle. If the heart is physically susceptible to all the same principals that any other muscle is, then it is only logical that those properties bleed into the metaphorical use of the heart as well.

The more a heart is exercised the more powerful it becomes and the harder it is able to work. When a heart pumps, it pushes blood away and pulls blood towards it. When we love, it must be reciprocated. That assimilated act of pumping blood to and from mirrors pumping love to and from it, soundly strengthening it.

 If we choose not to exert love then we cannot take love in. If a heart solely takes love in and never gives back it would be overwhelmed and the one-way pressure would tear it in half. If we altruistically outwardly love and it is never given back our heart would have nothing left to give, there must be an awareness to this precious balance.

Also, when a muscle is neglected and not used, it will begin to atrophy. Under precise conditions, a muscle can be eaten away and worn to nothing. Our hearts were meant to love as much as they were meant to beat and keep our organs oxygenated. To not love is to not live and to not gamble the risk is to never reap the reward. We must not be conservative with our ability to love.

The last and also the most interesting scenario is an injured muscle. Currently I find this situation most accurate for myself. You can pull, strain or even tear a muscle, it can take an incredible amount of external damage. If that is the case, then under no circumstances if the right mindset is applied and the proper amount of time is utilized can anyone not be able to love.

Previously and recently I have given thought to the concept that perhaps my heart just wasn't cast correctly to love someone unconditionally. As an adolescent I wrote a poem that suggested my circumstances were unique and that my heart was different. Oh how naive I was and how dramatically pleasing ignorance can be.

I am persevering through that currently but I do believe I have adopted the right mindset. If time heals all wounds and above all my heart never stopped beating then I owe it to myself to have the courage of my convictions and love again one day.

A New Direction

The concept of divorce dates back almost 4,000 years ago in some cultures. There were certain moral or religious ramifications that would justify a man divorcing his wife. As silly as some of those reasons may sound today, I am sure of the fact that most people do not handle divorce any better than those civilizations did thousands of years ago.

It is through divorce that I am thankful for the woman my ex-wife is all over again.

That concept may sound absurd to some people yet I challenge those who view it that way. Can you not find reasons today that made you appreciate that person in the past? If not, you are sadly mistaken and your priorities are incredibly misplaced by your own ego, especially if children are involved.

It has taken months for us to get out of the woods and get consistently to a point of being cordial with one another. However, a child is created in the representation of two people's love for one another, there is nothing more sacred than that. Nothing. In divorce, to consistently fight with that same person is to remove integrity from the concept that you put your children first.

We want our children to be better than what we are. If I find myself to be an incredibly passionate person, able to forgive the greatest of trespasses and a very loving person than I have set the bar high for my son. Furthermore, it is also my duty to make sure he beats my mark. To me, that commitment is parenthood. How can anyone expect to teach their child any of that if they hold some grudge towards the mother?

Let me not misrepresent myself, the ship her and I had has long since parted and is not coming back to port to dock ever again. It was infamous for navigating the roughest of waters yet we were able to create the most beautiful child I have ever laid eyes on. Paradoxically profound.

I respect her for making the sacrifices she did to bear this child and that deed will never go forgotten. Through divorce and time, I am beginning to find the person I adored so long ago. She is a great human being and a wonderful mother and I will appreciate her always.

I am finally able desert this bitterest of resentments towards her and that lifts the most incredible weight from my chest. 

I, Present.

I made the decision to set out on my own during the fall of last year. Somehow I never realized the metaphorical significance of that until now.

The fall season foreshadows to all life that you must minimalize and simplify everything in the name of survival. Growth stops, trees shed leaves and all of the color in the world slowly fades. All life must strip down to its bare essentials for the coming winter and prepare to bare the brunt of the elements. This is precisely the process that I have adopted in terms of my emotions and finances.

You are always your own worst critic but when the winter hits, you are shut indoors and you are alone the criticisms flow faster than the scotch. The questions that dizzied my head all relayed to marriage, fatherhood, commitment, family, morality, sacrifice and several other heavy hitting and akin topics. You eventually have to bundle up to the only thing you have; your principles.

As the ice began to thaw, I began to accept myself. In hindsight, when you're not seeing red or trying to focus through tears, the clarity is truly profound. Are there lasting ramifications to my decision to follow through with a divorce? Undoubtedly. Will more good come from that decision to all parties involved? Unequivocally.

As the decomposed leaves serve to enrich the soil for it's next endeavor, I will break down these now-useless feelings and allow them to enrich my soul, filling in the holes that were torn open. The winter is over and seeds of new direction have been sown. My potential has patiently gathered under the soil and its appetite is thoroughly wet.

The summer sun is just beyond the horizon. I have put behind me all of the concerns with any of the actions I have taken. I have begun to understand what I look like on the inside for the first time in my life. I thought once I understood and accepted what brought me to where I am then my path moving forward would be clear to me. It is not.

My new found confidence of standing tall, ready to move on is jaded by the oddity of not knowing where to go. It is only now that I realize everything I've been working on and trying reconcile are all things in the past. I have been dealing with the thoughts of events that have already occurred.

I realize, I am finally in the present. I have arrived but I have not yet begun. My confidence and aspirations are firmly affixed to my being and they bring a smile to me as I take this first step.

Examining the 'why?'

A friend of mine I recently reunited with ironically brought up a concept that our reunion spoke to. He said he had heard somewhere that friends come into your life for "a reason, a season, or a lifetime". This is basically the idea that maybe this person was sent into your life to help you with a certain issue; a reason. Perhaps they were sent into your life for a longer period of time to help you grow and develop in a different light; a season. This concept also suggests that fewer people enter your life for to be a permanent addition; a lifetime.

After thinking about this idea thoroughly, while it has a poetic ring to it and romanticizes the idea of when a friend might leave your life, I call 'horseshit' on the idea in its entirety.

As I have previously discussed in this blog, I was adopted before my 1st birthday and my son is the only blood relative of mine that I have ever met. I was fortunate enough to be adopted by a great family whom I love very much. Perhaps because much of who my family is was based on choice, I choose to place a strong emphasis on the friendships I am fortunate enough to make and I spend a considerable time developing them.    

Regardless of what your faith is (or lack thereof), if you choose to strive to be a genuinely good human you should keep good people around you. I have always lived my life by the philosophy that when you find good people, you keep them in your life.

If someone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and a good friendship is created from that, then your lack of effort that causes them to leave is treason. Had I allowed people to leave my life because the 'reason' was completed or the 'season' was over then life would only be more difficult. Had I not gone back and made the effort to re-establish the relationship with my family and had I not maintained the friendships I have developed over the years then the darkness of the past 7 months would have only been further enveloped in loneliness. They say it is darkest before dawn but the relationships I am lucky enough to have, serve to starlight the horizon that is leading me back to the warmth. 

I choose not to forget that.

A Sense

The fateful turn of an event
or for reasons we never meant
could possibly draw us together.
There is no way to prevent
the reason you were sent
was to create a bond that does not sever.

I stood standing, soaked as it rained
slowly letting it wash away all of the pain
and now you encompass all that I feel.
The faith that I can be whole is all I retain
and it stirs my hunger again,
yet somehow you seem so surreal.

None of this could be planned
or fall disingenuous under command
but I will find you, high cost, whatever it may be.
After looking inward to fully understand
I will look for you, strong of heart and steady hand
but if I only knew your identity.

A Reckoning

There are moments in life that genuinely stop you in your tracks and force you to question the very path you are on, regardless of how steadfast your pace and confident your step. I had a moment very much like that this weekend.

As I lost control of the car, a moment came to pass where it was over in a flash yet every intricate and vivid detail seemingly made it last for hours. The tires screamed as if to warn of the coming mechanical onslaught of what was about to occur. I turned my head to look out of the driver side window and the highway surged towards me as I slid. Each yellow dash in the road disappeared under the vehicle, one after the other, as if to represent a single second in the countdown to something awful.

The view through that same side view window was suddenly obstructed by the road itself; the vehicle now began a roll that would last for two full revolutions. Glass exploded from every angle as my ears were filled with the most god awful noise I have ever heard. Steel, glass, concrete and fiberglass all began to violently collide into one another with complete disregard to the passenger of mere flesh and bone.

Somehow within this moment of complete and utter chaos, I had a quiet moment of clarity. The vehicle was completing its last roll and my only recollection from that specific second was that it was somehow deafeningly quiet and I had a sudden rush of calm wash over me. That sensation came with the lone, confident feeling that somehow everything would be alright. The vehicle landed back on its tires, I removed my seat belt and stepped out of the vehicle shaken but virtually unscathed.

As a deist, I have always doubted divine intervention. It has always seemed to me, assuming a god does intervene, the weight of the awful things that happen always outweigh the good of the miracles; this leads me to reject the concept. Examining the unharmed state in which I emerged from that vehicle has added a hairline fracture to my modern deist foundation. Was it luck or am I destined for something else?

Second chances are one of the most difficult commodities to obtain and never one that should ever be taken for granted. The only thing that I will take from this "second chance", if I may, is the sheer advantage of it. That night will remain in the forefront of my thoughts for quite some time as will remembering to count every blessing I ever have the fortune of receiving.