Calling It Out

As with anything new that you start, it is right when you begin that seemingly every thought you could possibly fathom runs through your head. Classic inception; excitement, adrenaline, hope and a flash of what the human spirit is capable of. All of this flooded my head when I clicked 'publish' last night and added one more tiny, irrelevant blip on the ever-expanding global blogosphere.

Thinking ahead to where my mindset would be 24 hours from that moment I tried to prepare for the worst. I committed to blogging, quitting smoking, working out, budgeting better and hell I even threw in inner peace... I was on a roll, why not? So, I went ahead told myself that biting off more than you can chew is a natural progression towards growth. If I can hit some of these things but not all then I'm still taking steps forward. Meeting and sometimes backing down from the adversity of change is a just a way of testing it to better understand that opponent the next time you face him. Allow realism to sink in and find small wins.

Nope, I called bullshit on myself.

That is a classic elaborate spin on what- if you strip away the flashy diction and ignore the 21 point scrabble words- we should all chastise for mediocrity. I am the king of self-talk just like that. As a matter of fact, I've spent years strategizing every word of it and copy-writing the blue print for it, literally making myself my own enabler. Today, however, I have duly noted a hairline crack in that foundation; honesty.

Tomorrow, everyone will of course be honest. Today, in that tested moment honesty can suck entirely. To talk about the consistent honesty of yesterday well, that's the stuff of couples in their 80's walking on the beach and still holding hands. That is what makes a martyr so admirable and sustaining honestly is a source of sheer inspiration throughout history.

I realize I simply cannot ever be honest in a relationship until I learn to be honest with myself. Calling out fancy excuses like that was tough to do today but it is the first step to pulling out all of the stops and - if I can allude to one of my favorite authors - giving way to me being able to suck out all the marrow of 2013.

The hour is late, the first full day of not smoking is in the books, that alarm is going off at 5am to work out and I have ample amounts of ass to kick at work tomorrow.