Prone to Infection?

It is becoming increasingly obvious to me the past few days that passion is one of the most infectious things we have in this life. Passion knows no specific species and attacks no particular demographic. The volatility of it is abhorrently clear as well for if you pour so much into one area of your life, that levy will eventually break and it will pour into all other areas of your life; whether it be positive or negative.

I have not been prone to that infection before. Why? I certainly love the flashy idea of change. I definitely saw the short term gains of those changes but then I just accepted where and what I was at the time and learned to be happy with it.

I think the problem was the source. The source of my passion previously will go unidentified but it was inherently wrong. In general, the source of that passion directly affects the level of infectiousness. For instance, last year I started running again. I went through a 2 month phase where I would run 2-3 miles at a time maybe 2-3 times a week. My motivation was I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to look better and I wanted to be healthy. Well, my last post I talked about my self talk and how I used to let it take the wheel. Thinking just that small 'win' of running was good enough, I would literally light up a cigarette after a run!

Well, today was the first day I've ran since August. Just on determination alone, in 30 degree weather, I ran 4.5 miles without stopping. I hate running it's just as much a physical challenge as it is mental. Tonight, I enjoyed every slush-splashing, breath fogging, cramp causing step and I could not get enough.

You see, this time the source of my motivation is different. I do not want to just be healthy, I want to live long enough to spend as much time as possible with my son and, perhaps one day that special someone. I do not want to just look better, I want to physically test, establish then push what my body can do- if I can do that with my body and strength then I can learn to do that with my heart and ability to love.

These are all things that I am doing to make it easier to live with myself, because right now I cannot settle for this mediocre person I have allowed myself to become. Eventually, I can evolve that toleration into appreciating then finally accepting what I am. That is when I will be able to say that I love myself and can emotionally move on from where I am now. Where I am now has some tricky qualities and my self talk will do everything to keep me here. I will spend the next few months restructuring my frame and fine tuning this new engine. I cannot get this place into my rearview mirror quick enough and I simply cannot wait to lay a smoldering set of tire tracks across the pavement on my way out.