Darkest Before Dawn

Every once in awhile I have a tendency to allow a cliche to resound with me. I ponder over it, attempt to apply it to situations or challenge it. The phrase "It's always darkest before the dawn" is one that has done just that.

It would seem that when we are down on our luck or a series of events do not go our way, we can apply this type of thinking by default. I have found very recently that this is only the case when we allow it; a self fulfilling prophecy. I now classify this mindset as an official excuse but made the mistake of applying it to my life since last fall but abandoned it very recently.

If you subscribe to a particular faith that suggests of some type of divine intervention, I ask you to humbly set that aside and journey with me for a moment.

So much of life is out of our control and that is incredibly difficult to understand and embrace sometimes. Misery loves company and we allow our minds to begat the next downfall and accept it for just another heap of bad luck thrown onto the growing pile of disappointment. It is in that very moment, at the precipice of our challenges, that we either cast our hopes into faith or a needed stroke of good luck. It is in this moment that we either roll over and surrender or we stand and deliver with the unstoppable attitude that only our unbridled will can provide. I submit that for any type of personal growth, the latter is required.

Of the few good, hard lessons that life has either taught me or I have stopped to try and understand, the concept that only through struggle do we obtain enrichment is the most profound. Failure is arguably the greatest teacher of all and I have certainly sat at the front of the class willing to participate more than most. I do not steer away from that adversity as much as I used to and it is my belief that it is this action that has made me stronger.

If we are waiting for it to finally dawn, we must move east towards the proverbial rising sun. If we are wallowing in bad luck, it is time we create our own good luck. If we are curious as to the nature of the light at the end of the tunnel, we must accelerate relentlessly towards it.

Do not accept that fact that it is always darkest before dawn, instead embrace the fact that you alone have the ability to bring about what you dream of. The view of the world from your own two feet, planted firmly in soil that is fertile from your own will is the view that provides the most vivid colors from our own perseverance.

Identification, please.

Several times throughout this year I have referenced the search for identity, my hypothesis on the motivation for the lack thereof and even begun to speak of grasping it recently. I wish to elaborate on that and explore the topic a bit more.

Years ago, I was exposed to the concept that our greatest strength is always tied back into our greatest weakness. I had trouble comprehending that when applying that to myself. I assessed myself as the guy who can fit into any social situation. I will find the good time to be had with strangers and my presence will positively impact those around me. I have had some type of conception of this for years, ultimately motivating the multi-colored gecko tattoo on my leg; able to adapt to any situation and blend in. As ridiculous as that may seem, it was perfectly fitting for myself.

Years later and not long ago, I finally realized that I rested on that laurel so comfortably I never realized the downside to it; I fit into any situation because I lacked proper commitment to my own convictions that would go against the grain; a pushover, two-faced or a fake. I would grimace and go along with flow in the name of not disturbing the herd; it was not adaptability it was lack of character! This bled into many relationships and creating ones out of default not out of beneficial choice.

This was the most difficult thing I have ever accepted about myself as it concomitantly catalyzed the motivational fire within myself to address and change it. More difficult to accept was to address it. This meant understanding and further defining my own morals as opposed to plagiarizing those around me. Once understood, this new back bone that I had found caused me to break off many relationships that were not beneficial to myself. This realization has granted me the ability to do something I have previously had a difficult time with, confronting the person perpetrating something adverse or taking the time to notify them of the result of their actions upon me.

While persevering through this revelation, I have empowered myself with a freedom I have never felt before. Instead of biting my cheek to the point of callous, I am able to smile proudly. Forget lowering my head to appease the masses, I hold it high and proudly. Never again will I hold back words because of how I think they'll make someone feel, because after those words have thoroughly festered in resentment, their backlash will become tenfold. 

I have never been able to utilize honesty as a cornerstone in any relationship I have ever had, yet I wondered why mine sometimes end in deceit. That block is held firm now, cemented in place by the content of my character and the execution of my actions. That foundation now rests in the rubble of previous attempts in its likeness that are now strewn about. The very design of it stands out, in stark contrast, against the architecture that lays claim to the collapsed endeavors around it, and I truly take solace it uniqueness. 

A Reflection from Reflection.

I have sat down three separate times since my last post and done little more than stared at a blank screen and a flashing cursor that seemingly taunts me. It is almost as if it dares me to make it move when it somehow knows that I am unable to.

I initially cast this off as another writer's block and that I just had nothing to say. I thought on this much more and came to a different conclusion. Months ago, a close family member told me that sometimes it takes a full turn of the seasons to deal with a deep loss. Only as I come within weeks of that full turn have I begun to truly appreciate that point.

I initially started this blog as a New Year's resolution with the intent to be a better person. As I recapped previously, I have developed healthier habits but after reading over many of my posts I have come to realize that I have used this as a therapeutic vessel to express my feelings, moving on from a failed marriage. I now understand an unhappy marriage caused me to close off the creative vents I have always utilized to express myself via writing. Then, in the lull of the valley that followed that realization, I broke open those vents via this blog and have expelled resentment, anger, frustration, disappointment, all of the depression and- most importantly- used them to embrace hope again.

Now, the past few weeks I feel as if I have nothing to say. I find myself incredibly challenged with my career and feel for the first time I can confidently take the next step. I have taken ample time to reconcile every emotion perpetuated by my divorce and have a better relationship with my ex-wife than I did, even possibly prior to our marriage. I have lacked an identity from being adopted that I now find deep within the reflection of my own son's identically colored eyes which yields more comfort than I will ever be able to explain to him. Alas, I have no impingement on my heart.

What I was told about a full turn of the seasons has not only come true but it has come to fruition. Ironically, I sit here wondering why am I taking to pause, when in fact I no longer need one. Can you carry a burden so long that when it is finally gone, instead of feeling relief, you feel discomfort in the lack of its presence?

What I am feeling is the beginning of a concept that was first described to us possibly 2,000 years ago; 'Man, know thyself'. After 34 years I have finally given myself an honest look in the mirror. Seeing myself for which people perceive of me, is a only a part but it must be calculated in the sum of myself. That reflection shows me I am beginning to understand that which makes me great, also hinders me. That which hinders me must be embraced because it is that which defines my limitations; embracing them only allows me to understand and then push them farther.

It is only now that I can look that reflection and genuinely smile. There is no one over my shoulder in that mirror, just the world dawning on my horizon ahead of me.

Gut Check

If it is not measured, then it is not improved. Just over six months ago I began this blog and, more importantly, this endeavor. I find it important to look back on the goal that was set and measure progress to gauge where I really am now. To quote myself from January 1st this year...

1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately.
3. I will restart and complete my P90x program by April 1st, 2013.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey.

...and where I am now:

1. I am a little light on adding to this blog weekly but while the frequency is less, I feel the content is sufficient. In the name of not settling, I intend to address and force myself to address this pace.

2. Surprisingly, quitting smoking has been the easiest of these tasks and it has been over six months since I have had a cigarette.


3. While I did not finish this program officially I do, however, fit into the same size jeans I wore in high school for the first time in over a decade. I have also picked up running as a hobby again and completed the first 5k race I have ever ran. Again, I missed the mark, am happy with the results yet remain unsatisfied as a whole and will continue to focus on health and physical strength.

4. Steady gains here. I have eliminated just over 1/3rd of the debt necessary to call myself "debt free". To date, this is the largest stride I've made in this effort in the last several years.

5. Oh how I could dwell for a day and a half in the sweet misery of this endeavor. More to come on this with a later blog post.

This post brings no fancy words or descriptive metaphors. This post fulfills a very basic need to document where I am today. So often we set goals for ourselves and then they fall by the wayside because of boredom or the lack of developing habits. 

The main reason then that I began this blog was to announce to my friends and family that I was making a change towards health and also a promise to myself to emotionally reconcile the severing of a relationship, the embrace of a divorce and to gain an appreciation of solitude. I have completed nothing but have accomplished much and yet I stand today with a hunger and lack of satisfaction.

My Father

Unfortunately a significant portion of my circle of friends overlap with a group of folks that were raised, or lack thereof, by bad fathers and Father's Day brings them seldom less than resentment. While I harbor all of my own concerns and emotions regarding my biological parents, I will say that I could not have been taken in and adopted by a better man than my father.

There are men in this world that are able to do many things in their lifetime but I greatly doubt than any man could be a better father to me than mine is. I have lived a very seemingly, quickly paced 34 years and have yet to meet a man who is more fair than he is.

Fair. Yes, that is the adjective I describe him with because not only does he do 'fair' better than anyone else, but it is 'fair' that we need more of today. There are fathers that deliver 'tough love' and fathers that bend too easily and fairness is the perfect balance between the two. My father never maliciously struck me but there were rare physical and disciplinary actions taken that I recognize as necessary. I was never starved for attention but was encouraged to earn the respect that I wanted to deserve. Lastly, my father sacrificed much of the ceiling of his own career for the benefit of his family and children.

My moral compass was not instilled in me by my Creator. I did not deduct a sense of what is right and wrong from a glorified book. My sense of morality is a learned behavior from what I have experienced but the comprehension of that begins with what we are taught and I must attribute much of that foundation to my father.

This also sets a high bar for how I raise my son. As I've stated before, our job as parents is to condition our children to be better human beings than we are; my work is cut out for me. 

I have heard the cliche that men marry a woman who is much like their mother and they emulate their fathers. I could only be so lucky to one day demonstrate the love, understanding and patience of that man. I have less than forty years based on our age difference to exercise abilities such as that yet I feel I need several lifetimes to get there.

Bleed It Out

The human heart is the quintessential component when it comes to expressing metaphorically how we feel. I find there to be an incredible amount of significance in the 'why' behind that, in which I will then ironically utilize to express how I feel.

Plainly put, the heart is a muscle. If the heart is physically susceptible to all the same principals that any other muscle is, then it is only logical that those properties bleed into the metaphorical use of the heart as well.

The more a heart is exercised the more powerful it becomes and the harder it is able to work. When a heart pumps, it pushes blood away and pulls blood towards it. When we love, it must be reciprocated. That assimilated act of pumping blood to and from mirrors pumping love to and from it, soundly strengthening it.

 If we choose not to exert love then we cannot take love in. If a heart solely takes love in and never gives back it would be overwhelmed and the one-way pressure would tear it in half. If we altruistically outwardly love and it is never given back our heart would have nothing left to give, there must be an awareness to this precious balance.

Also, when a muscle is neglected and not used, it will begin to atrophy. Under precise conditions, a muscle can be eaten away and worn to nothing. Our hearts were meant to love as much as they were meant to beat and keep our organs oxygenated. To not love is to not live and to not gamble the risk is to never reap the reward. We must not be conservative with our ability to love.

The last and also the most interesting scenario is an injured muscle. Currently I find this situation most accurate for myself. You can pull, strain or even tear a muscle, it can take an incredible amount of external damage. If that is the case, then under no circumstances if the right mindset is applied and the proper amount of time is utilized can anyone not be able to love.

Previously and recently I have given thought to the concept that perhaps my heart just wasn't cast correctly to love someone unconditionally. As an adolescent I wrote a poem that suggested my circumstances were unique and that my heart was different. Oh how naive I was and how dramatically pleasing ignorance can be.

I am persevering through that currently but I do believe I have adopted the right mindset. If time heals all wounds and above all my heart never stopped beating then I owe it to myself to have the courage of my convictions and love again one day.

A New Direction

The concept of divorce dates back almost 4,000 years ago in some cultures. There were certain moral or religious ramifications that would justify a man divorcing his wife. As silly as some of those reasons may sound today, I am sure of the fact that most people do not handle divorce any better than those civilizations did thousands of years ago.

It is through divorce that I am thankful for the woman my ex-wife is all over again.

That concept may sound absurd to some people yet I challenge those who view it that way. Can you not find reasons today that made you appreciate that person in the past? If not, you are sadly mistaken and your priorities are incredibly misplaced by your own ego, especially if children are involved.

It has taken months for us to get out of the woods and get consistently to a point of being cordial with one another. However, a child is created in the representation of two people's love for one another, there is nothing more sacred than that. Nothing. In divorce, to consistently fight with that same person is to remove integrity from the concept that you put your children first.

We want our children to be better than what we are. If I find myself to be an incredibly passionate person, able to forgive the greatest of trespasses and a very loving person than I have set the bar high for my son. Furthermore, it is also my duty to make sure he beats my mark. To me, that commitment is parenthood. How can anyone expect to teach their child any of that if they hold some grudge towards the mother?

Let me not misrepresent myself, the ship her and I had has long since parted and is not coming back to port to dock ever again. It was infamous for navigating the roughest of waters yet we were able to create the most beautiful child I have ever laid eyes on. Paradoxically profound.

I respect her for making the sacrifices she did to bear this child and that deed will never go forgotten. Through divorce and time, I am beginning to find the person I adored so long ago. She is a great human being and a wonderful mother and I will appreciate her always.

I am finally able desert this bitterest of resentments towards her and that lifts the most incredible weight from my chest.