Thankful

This entire month I have seen many family and friends post and make references to things they are thankful for and I love seeing humility at that level. So many of us have so many things to be thankful for and I want to believe that I tend to gravitate towards the type of people whom invoke that level of humility.

I also have an incredible amount of things to be thankful for and I would like to take a moment now to specifically cite them tonight as opposed to individually throughout the month.

Over the past year, my family has forgiven the fact that I did little over the past several years to sustain my relationship with them, yet they welcome me back unconditionally. I thank them for reminding me of what the definition of 'family' really is and not what I assumed it to be. I hope that I have done well to right that ship, so to speak.

I am thankful for my career not because it allows me to sustain a budget, but for the people that I am surrounded by within it that allow me to learn from them literally every day. They challenge me not only to be a better leader but to be a better person, inside and outside of 'work'. I am commended in success but more importantly, I am supported in my failings, which is an incredibly rare combination.

I am thankful for the marriages around me that serve as examples for what I may have one day. Aside from my father, I am inspired in by so many of the men that have the taken the role 'husband' in a manner in which I strive to be one day; Kevin, Andy, Justin, John, Derek, Johnny; there are so many of you that I strive towards one day cementing the type of marital understanding that you have with your spouses.

I am finally thankful again for the person my son's mother is. I have had to reconcile with and forgive so much but I believe it to be necessary. We make a concerted effort to insure Knox is never a pawn in our differences and I would like to believe that the love we have for him is not split, yet it has been doubled down. I am thankful that she recognizes, understands and works efficiently within the necessary choice we have made regarding his living situation. I can only hope one day he is thankful for that decision as opposed to reveling in the 'why' behind it but I fear he never will be able to.

Speaking of my thankfulness for her I must take a moment regarding her family. I am incredibly thankful for the family members of hers that recognize family is not necessarily broken by a bond of marriage. You see, there are some people in this life that are just good humans and they realize that differences between others do not always yield change for them and I will always cherish the fact that they were able to recognize this.

I cannot even begin to express the thankfulness for the friends that I have. I have been supported in so many ways that I appreciate them beyond their perception. I have spent a great deal of effort keeping good people around me and if my friendship to them has meant half as much as theirs to me then I know I am at least on the right road to repaying it.

I am thankful for the relationship that I have recently been fortunate enough to stumble upon and forge. I have found someone that envelops a magnificent spark for life that I envy and try to emulate. We have a natural ability to laugh at life with one another and I am forever grateful for finding that.

Saving the absolute best for last, I am thankful for my son. I am thankful to have a healthy and happy child who literally makes me laugh out loud. Before I met him, I had never met anyone that shares my blood. As I attempt to instill in him the qualities that I believe will make him a better man than I one day, I hope he is thankful for my efforts. I genuinely hope that he understands one day why I stare at him so deeply in such a silent and satisfying wonderment.

I wish each of you a fulfilling thanksgiving not because of the actual holiday but because I believe you can only be fulfilled in life by embracing the present and appreciating what you have at every given moment. Life is too short to and we are too meek sometimes to carry the weight of the hand that has been dealt to us. I hope that you are each able to play that hand to the best of your ability and that it may ultimately yield your happiness.

A Transformation

Many of you know me well enough that I not only have a flair for the dramatics but also that everything I do ends up becoming a production. It is in that fashion that I come to you tonight with no regrets and again utilize this blog as a way to bare that to all of you.

I have had no one to impress so when it came to how I looked, I just plain stopped giving a fuck. I also began to hate the person that I had been previously. I was ashamed because I was ‘okay’ with the sacrifices I made to the integrity of my character that never yielded any gain from the person I made them for. I was disgusted by the person I had become and I no longer wanted to act, think or look like him.

I stopped caring about how I looked on the outside because I was solely focusing on fixing what was broken on the inside. This is what bred the honesty I have had towards myself that led to this blog.  It has taken me a year to dust off the pieces I have found of myself and finally embrace all of their true strengths and honest weaknesses.

As I begin to be comfortable in my own skin, I made the decision that not caring what I looked like does not align itself with what I am or what I want. Prior to any of these relationships, in my adulthood, I always kept a shorter haircut and clean shaven look. Returning back to that look this week not only makes me more recognizable to myself but the reflection I see in the mirror is not the front that I utilized to appease my then other half. I am my own within now, and I reflect that outwardly.

Is this a blog post explaining a hair cut? You could say that. If that is all you see then you have been following the transition of someone that you can only scratch the surface in understanding and I challenge you to look for more significance in life. Cutting my hair was not only the exclamation point behind the transition I have been working on for the past year but it is the indictment of my psychological and emotional rehabilitation.

This was not a change or a reckoning, this was a reinvention of self. Why? Several reasons. I have reconciled now with the fact that my actions and my appearance will both affect my environment and I am putting a better foot forward. I also have someone to impress again and this replaces the void within me that made me not want to give a damn in the first place. Am I whole? Absolutely not. I have at least found someone that helps me identify a unit of measure to possibly understand what exactly filling that void will take; and I could not be more thankful.

Darkest Before Dawn

Every once in awhile I have a tendency to allow a cliche to resound with me. I ponder over it, attempt to apply it to situations or challenge it. The phrase "It's always darkest before the dawn" is one that has done just that.

It would seem that when we are down on our luck or a series of events do not go our way, we can apply this type of thinking by default. I have found very recently that this is only the case when we allow it; a self fulfilling prophecy. I now classify this mindset as an official excuse but made the mistake of applying it to my life since last fall but abandoned it very recently.

If you subscribe to a particular faith that suggests of some type of divine intervention, I ask you to humbly set that aside and journey with me for a moment.

So much of life is out of our control and that is incredibly difficult to understand and embrace sometimes. Misery loves company and we allow our minds to begat the next downfall and accept it for just another heap of bad luck thrown onto the growing pile of disappointment. It is in that very moment, at the precipice of our challenges, that we either cast our hopes into faith or a needed stroke of good luck. It is in this moment that we either roll over and surrender or we stand and deliver with the unstoppable attitude that only our unbridled will can provide. I submit that for any type of personal growth, the latter is required.

Of the few good, hard lessons that life has either taught me or I have stopped to try and understand, the concept that only through struggle do we obtain enrichment is the most profound. Failure is arguably the greatest teacher of all and I have certainly sat at the front of the class willing to participate more than most. I do not steer away from that adversity as much as I used to and it is my belief that it is this action that has made me stronger.

If we are waiting for it to finally dawn, we must move east towards the proverbial rising sun. If we are wallowing in bad luck, it is time we create our own good luck. If we are curious as to the nature of the light at the end of the tunnel, we must accelerate relentlessly towards it.

Do not accept that fact that it is always darkest before dawn, instead embrace the fact that you alone have the ability to bring about what you dream of. The view of the world from your own two feet, planted firmly in soil that is fertile from your own will is the view that provides the most vivid colors from our own perseverance.

Identification, please.

Several times throughout this year I have referenced the search for identity, my hypothesis on the motivation for the lack thereof and even begun to speak of grasping it recently. I wish to elaborate on that and explore the topic a bit more.

Years ago, I was exposed to the concept that our greatest strength is always tied back into our greatest weakness. I had trouble comprehending that when applying that to myself. I assessed myself as the guy who can fit into any social situation. I will find the good time to be had with strangers and my presence will positively impact those around me. I have had some type of conception of this for years, ultimately motivating the multi-colored gecko tattoo on my leg; able to adapt to any situation and blend in. As ridiculous as that may seem, it was perfectly fitting for myself.

Years later and not long ago, I finally realized that I rested on that laurel so comfortably I never realized the downside to it; I fit into any situation because I lacked proper commitment to my own convictions that would go against the grain; a pushover, two-faced or a fake. I would grimace and go along with flow in the name of not disturbing the herd; it was not adaptability it was lack of character! This bled into many relationships and creating ones out of default not out of beneficial choice.

This was the most difficult thing I have ever accepted about myself as it concomitantly catalyzed the motivational fire within myself to address and change it. More difficult to accept was to address it. This meant understanding and further defining my own morals as opposed to plagiarizing those around me. Once understood, this new back bone that I had found caused me to break off many relationships that were not beneficial to myself. This realization has granted me the ability to do something I have previously had a difficult time with, confronting the person perpetrating something adverse or taking the time to notify them of the result of their actions upon me.

While persevering through this revelation, I have empowered myself with a freedom I have never felt before. Instead of biting my cheek to the point of callous, I am able to smile proudly. Forget lowering my head to appease the masses, I hold it high and proudly. Never again will I hold back words because of how I think they'll make someone feel, because after those words have thoroughly festered in resentment, their backlash will become tenfold. 

I have never been able to utilize honesty as a cornerstone in any relationship I have ever had, yet I wondered why mine sometimes end in deceit. That block is held firm now, cemented in place by the content of my character and the execution of my actions. That foundation now rests in the rubble of previous attempts in its likeness that are now strewn about. The very design of it stands out, in stark contrast, against the architecture that lays claim to the collapsed endeavors around it, and I truly take solace it uniqueness. 

A Reflection from Reflection.

I have sat down three separate times since my last post and done little more than stared at a blank screen and a flashing cursor that seemingly taunts me. It is almost as if it dares me to make it move when it somehow knows that I am unable to.

I initially cast this off as another writer's block and that I just had nothing to say. I thought on this much more and came to a different conclusion. Months ago, a close family member told me that sometimes it takes a full turn of the seasons to deal with a deep loss. Only as I come within weeks of that full turn have I begun to truly appreciate that point.

I initially started this blog as a New Year's resolution with the intent to be a better person. As I recapped previously, I have developed healthier habits but after reading over many of my posts I have come to realize that I have used this as a therapeutic vessel to express my feelings, moving on from a failed marriage. I now understand an unhappy marriage caused me to close off the creative vents I have always utilized to express myself via writing. Then, in the lull of the valley that followed that realization, I broke open those vents via this blog and have expelled resentment, anger, frustration, disappointment, all of the depression and- most importantly- used them to embrace hope again.

Now, the past few weeks I feel as if I have nothing to say. I find myself incredibly challenged with my career and feel for the first time I can confidently take the next step. I have taken ample time to reconcile every emotion perpetuated by my divorce and have a better relationship with my ex-wife than I did, even possibly prior to our marriage. I have lacked an identity from being adopted that I now find deep within the reflection of my own son's identically colored eyes which yields more comfort than I will ever be able to explain to him. Alas, I have no impingement on my heart.

What I was told about a full turn of the seasons has not only come true but it has come to fruition. Ironically, I sit here wondering why am I taking to pause, when in fact I no longer need one. Can you carry a burden so long that when it is finally gone, instead of feeling relief, you feel discomfort in the lack of its presence?

What I am feeling is the beginning of a concept that was first described to us possibly 2,000 years ago; 'Man, know thyself'. After 34 years I have finally given myself an honest look in the mirror. Seeing myself for which people perceive of me, is a only a part but it must be calculated in the sum of myself. That reflection shows me I am beginning to understand that which makes me great, also hinders me. That which hinders me must be embraced because it is that which defines my limitations; embracing them only allows me to understand and then push them farther.

It is only now that I can look that reflection and genuinely smile. There is no one over my shoulder in that mirror, just the world dawning on my horizon ahead of me.

Gut Check

If it is not measured, then it is not improved. Just over six months ago I began this blog and, more importantly, this endeavor. I find it important to look back on the goal that was set and measure progress to gauge where I really am now. To quote myself from January 1st this year...

1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately.
3. I will restart and complete my P90x program by April 1st, 2013.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey.

...and where I am now:

1. I am a little light on adding to this blog weekly but while the frequency is less, I feel the content is sufficient. In the name of not settling, I intend to address and force myself to address this pace.

2. Surprisingly, quitting smoking has been the easiest of these tasks and it has been over six months since I have had a cigarette.


3. While I did not finish this program officially I do, however, fit into the same size jeans I wore in high school for the first time in over a decade. I have also picked up running as a hobby again and completed the first 5k race I have ever ran. Again, I missed the mark, am happy with the results yet remain unsatisfied as a whole and will continue to focus on health and physical strength.

4. Steady gains here. I have eliminated just over 1/3rd of the debt necessary to call myself "debt free". To date, this is the largest stride I've made in this effort in the last several years.

5. Oh how I could dwell for a day and a half in the sweet misery of this endeavor. More to come on this with a later blog post.

This post brings no fancy words or descriptive metaphors. This post fulfills a very basic need to document where I am today. So often we set goals for ourselves and then they fall by the wayside because of boredom or the lack of developing habits. 

The main reason then that I began this blog was to announce to my friends and family that I was making a change towards health and also a promise to myself to emotionally reconcile the severing of a relationship, the embrace of a divorce and to gain an appreciation of solitude. I have completed nothing but have accomplished much and yet I stand today with a hunger and lack of satisfaction.

My Father

Unfortunately a significant portion of my circle of friends overlap with a group of folks that were raised, or lack thereof, by bad fathers and Father's Day brings them seldom less than resentment. While I harbor all of my own concerns and emotions regarding my biological parents, I will say that I could not have been taken in and adopted by a better man than my father.

There are men in this world that are able to do many things in their lifetime but I greatly doubt than any man could be a better father to me than mine is. I have lived a very seemingly, quickly paced 34 years and have yet to meet a man who is more fair than he is.

Fair. Yes, that is the adjective I describe him with because not only does he do 'fair' better than anyone else, but it is 'fair' that we need more of today. There are fathers that deliver 'tough love' and fathers that bend too easily and fairness is the perfect balance between the two. My father never maliciously struck me but there were rare physical and disciplinary actions taken that I recognize as necessary. I was never starved for attention but was encouraged to earn the respect that I wanted to deserve. Lastly, my father sacrificed much of the ceiling of his own career for the benefit of his family and children.

My moral compass was not instilled in me by my Creator. I did not deduct a sense of what is right and wrong from a glorified book. My sense of morality is a learned behavior from what I have experienced but the comprehension of that begins with what we are taught and I must attribute much of that foundation to my father.

This also sets a high bar for how I raise my son. As I've stated before, our job as parents is to condition our children to be better human beings than we are; my work is cut out for me. 

I have heard the cliche that men marry a woman who is much like their mother and they emulate their fathers. I could only be so lucky to one day demonstrate the love, understanding and patience of that man. I have less than forty years based on our age difference to exercise abilities such as that yet I feel I need several lifetimes to get there.

Bleed It Out

The human heart is the quintessential component when it comes to expressing metaphorically how we feel. I find there to be an incredible amount of significance in the 'why' behind that, in which I will then ironically utilize to express how I feel.

Plainly put, the heart is a muscle. If the heart is physically susceptible to all the same principals that any other muscle is, then it is only logical that those properties bleed into the metaphorical use of the heart as well.

The more a heart is exercised the more powerful it becomes and the harder it is able to work. When a heart pumps, it pushes blood away and pulls blood towards it. When we love, it must be reciprocated. That assimilated act of pumping blood to and from mirrors pumping love to and from it, soundly strengthening it.

 If we choose not to exert love then we cannot take love in. If a heart solely takes love in and never gives back it would be overwhelmed and the one-way pressure would tear it in half. If we altruistically outwardly love and it is never given back our heart would have nothing left to give, there must be an awareness to this precious balance.

Also, when a muscle is neglected and not used, it will begin to atrophy. Under precise conditions, a muscle can be eaten away and worn to nothing. Our hearts were meant to love as much as they were meant to beat and keep our organs oxygenated. To not love is to not live and to not gamble the risk is to never reap the reward. We must not be conservative with our ability to love.

The last and also the most interesting scenario is an injured muscle. Currently I find this situation most accurate for myself. You can pull, strain or even tear a muscle, it can take an incredible amount of external damage. If that is the case, then under no circumstances if the right mindset is applied and the proper amount of time is utilized can anyone not be able to love.

Previously and recently I have given thought to the concept that perhaps my heart just wasn't cast correctly to love someone unconditionally. As an adolescent I wrote a poem that suggested my circumstances were unique and that my heart was different. Oh how naive I was and how dramatically pleasing ignorance can be.

I am persevering through that currently but I do believe I have adopted the right mindset. If time heals all wounds and above all my heart never stopped beating then I owe it to myself to have the courage of my convictions and love again one day.

A New Direction

The concept of divorce dates back almost 4,000 years ago in some cultures. There were certain moral or religious ramifications that would justify a man divorcing his wife. As silly as some of those reasons may sound today, I am sure of the fact that most people do not handle divorce any better than those civilizations did thousands of years ago.

It is through divorce that I am thankful for the woman my ex-wife is all over again.

That concept may sound absurd to some people yet I challenge those who view it that way. Can you not find reasons today that made you appreciate that person in the past? If not, you are sadly mistaken and your priorities are incredibly misplaced by your own ego, especially if children are involved.

It has taken months for us to get out of the woods and get consistently to a point of being cordial with one another. However, a child is created in the representation of two people's love for one another, there is nothing more sacred than that. Nothing. In divorce, to consistently fight with that same person is to remove integrity from the concept that you put your children first.

We want our children to be better than what we are. If I find myself to be an incredibly passionate person, able to forgive the greatest of trespasses and a very loving person than I have set the bar high for my son. Furthermore, it is also my duty to make sure he beats my mark. To me, that commitment is parenthood. How can anyone expect to teach their child any of that if they hold some grudge towards the mother?

Let me not misrepresent myself, the ship her and I had has long since parted and is not coming back to port to dock ever again. It was infamous for navigating the roughest of waters yet we were able to create the most beautiful child I have ever laid eyes on. Paradoxically profound.

I respect her for making the sacrifices she did to bear this child and that deed will never go forgotten. Through divorce and time, I am beginning to find the person I adored so long ago. She is a great human being and a wonderful mother and I will appreciate her always.

I am finally able desert this bitterest of resentments towards her and that lifts the most incredible weight from my chest. 

I, Present.

I made the decision to set out on my own during the fall of last year. Somehow I never realized the metaphorical significance of that until now.

The fall season foreshadows to all life that you must minimalize and simplify everything in the name of survival. Growth stops, trees shed leaves and all of the color in the world slowly fades. All life must strip down to its bare essentials for the coming winter and prepare to bare the brunt of the elements. This is precisely the process that I have adopted in terms of my emotions and finances.

You are always your own worst critic but when the winter hits, you are shut indoors and you are alone the criticisms flow faster than the scotch. The questions that dizzied my head all relayed to marriage, fatherhood, commitment, family, morality, sacrifice and several other heavy hitting and akin topics. You eventually have to bundle up to the only thing you have; your principles.

As the ice began to thaw, I began to accept myself. In hindsight, when you're not seeing red or trying to focus through tears, the clarity is truly profound. Are there lasting ramifications to my decision to follow through with a divorce? Undoubtedly. Will more good come from that decision to all parties involved? Unequivocally.

As the decomposed leaves serve to enrich the soil for it's next endeavor, I will break down these now-useless feelings and allow them to enrich my soul, filling in the holes that were torn open. The winter is over and seeds of new direction have been sown. My potential has patiently gathered under the soil and its appetite is thoroughly wet.

The summer sun is just beyond the horizon. I have put behind me all of the concerns with any of the actions I have taken. I have begun to understand what I look like on the inside for the first time in my life. I thought once I understood and accepted what brought me to where I am then my path moving forward would be clear to me. It is not.

My new found confidence of standing tall, ready to move on is jaded by the oddity of not knowing where to go. It is only now that I realize everything I've been working on and trying reconcile are all things in the past. I have been dealing with the thoughts of events that have already occurred.

I realize, I am finally in the present. I have arrived but I have not yet begun. My confidence and aspirations are firmly affixed to my being and they bring a smile to me as I take this first step.

Examining the 'why?'

A friend of mine I recently reunited with ironically brought up a concept that our reunion spoke to. He said he had heard somewhere that friends come into your life for "a reason, a season, or a lifetime". This is basically the idea that maybe this person was sent into your life to help you with a certain issue; a reason. Perhaps they were sent into your life for a longer period of time to help you grow and develop in a different light; a season. This concept also suggests that fewer people enter your life for to be a permanent addition; a lifetime.

After thinking about this idea thoroughly, while it has a poetic ring to it and romanticizes the idea of when a friend might leave your life, I call 'horseshit' on the idea in its entirety.

As I have previously discussed in this blog, I was adopted before my 1st birthday and my son is the only blood relative of mine that I have ever met. I was fortunate enough to be adopted by a great family whom I love very much. Perhaps because much of who my family is was based on choice, I choose to place a strong emphasis on the friendships I am fortunate enough to make and I spend a considerable time developing them.    

Regardless of what your faith is (or lack thereof), if you choose to strive to be a genuinely good human you should keep good people around you. I have always lived my life by the philosophy that when you find good people, you keep them in your life.

If someone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and a good friendship is created from that, then your lack of effort that causes them to leave is treason. Had I allowed people to leave my life because the 'reason' was completed or the 'season' was over then life would only be more difficult. Had I not gone back and made the effort to re-establish the relationship with my family and had I not maintained the friendships I have developed over the years then the darkness of the past 7 months would have only been further enveloped in loneliness. They say it is darkest before dawn but the relationships I am lucky enough to have, serve to starlight the horizon that is leading me back to the warmth. 

I choose not to forget that.

A Sense

The fateful turn of an event
or for reasons we never meant
could possibly draw us together.
There is no way to prevent
the reason you were sent
was to create a bond that does not sever.

I stood standing, soaked as it rained
slowly letting it wash away all of the pain
and now you encompass all that I feel.
The faith that I can be whole is all I retain
and it stirs my hunger again,
yet somehow you seem so surreal.

None of this could be planned
or fall disingenuous under command
but I will find you, high cost, whatever it may be.
After looking inward to fully understand
I will look for you, strong of heart and steady hand
but if I only knew your identity.

A Reckoning

There are moments in life that genuinely stop you in your tracks and force you to question the very path you are on, regardless of how steadfast your pace and confident your step. I had a moment very much like that this weekend.

As I lost control of the car, a moment came to pass where it was over in a flash yet every intricate and vivid detail seemingly made it last for hours. The tires screamed as if to warn of the coming mechanical onslaught of what was about to occur. I turned my head to look out of the driver side window and the highway surged towards me as I slid. Each yellow dash in the road disappeared under the vehicle, one after the other, as if to represent a single second in the countdown to something awful.

The view through that same side view window was suddenly obstructed by the road itself; the vehicle now began a roll that would last for two full revolutions. Glass exploded from every angle as my ears were filled with the most god awful noise I have ever heard. Steel, glass, concrete and fiberglass all began to violently collide into one another with complete disregard to the passenger of mere flesh and bone.

Somehow within this moment of complete and utter chaos, I had a quiet moment of clarity. The vehicle was completing its last roll and my only recollection from that specific second was that it was somehow deafeningly quiet and I had a sudden rush of calm wash over me. That sensation came with the lone, confident feeling that somehow everything would be alright. The vehicle landed back on its tires, I removed my seat belt and stepped out of the vehicle shaken but virtually unscathed.

As a deist, I have always doubted divine intervention. It has always seemed to me, assuming a god does intervene, the weight of the awful things that happen always outweigh the good of the miracles; this leads me to reject the concept. Examining the unharmed state in which I emerged from that vehicle has added a hairline fracture to my modern deist foundation. Was it luck or am I destined for something else?

Second chances are one of the most difficult commodities to obtain and never one that should ever be taken for granted. The only thing that I will take from this "second chance", if I may, is the sheer advantage of it. That night will remain in the forefront of my thoughts for quite some time as will remembering to count every blessing I ever have the fortune of receiving.

Solitude

It is unfortunate that today words like "solitude", "solitary" and "alone" have such an adverse sound to them. None of them are depressing in definition but we think of sadness when we hear them. I am beginning to believe that we think this way because we are afraid to be what these words are. We fear what we do not know.

For years now I have had what I am calling "Jerry Maguire syndrome". You have seen the movie, Tom Cruise plays the guy that "cannot be alone". In the 12 years since I moved back to Michigan I have been in 3 relationships and over that time I have been cumulatively single for a whopping 3 months. It is abhorrently apparent that I did none of those women, or myself, any favor in regards to being ready for that commitment.

We justify this quick jump with excuses about how there was no love at the end of that relationship or that we have been in long term relationships before so we knew what to expect. Even worse, sometimes we will fill ourselves up with how exciting it is to be pursued by the next person. I would ask if we are kidding ourselves but we obviously are. The problem is, behaving this way is proceeding forward with reckless abandon for our own selves as well as that next person. They will become collateral damage. As you jump in their boat, the loss of that previous relationship that you never came to terms with will rise as an undetected rocky reef and sink you well before you get to that sunset you sailed off towards together.

To deny this fact is to move forward with malice towards the next heart you pursue. I have finally admitted that and grasped this concept; solitude is a great teacher.

One of my favorite movies, 'Into the Wild', taught me a profound quote: "Happiness is only real when it is shared." I recognize this, yet long to embrace it. My first thought is I cannot wait to venture out, but the fact is I can wait. I must wait. We must wait and give ourselves time. I have nothing less to offer the next person than a depressed, disorganized, disheveled shell of myself that still wallows in uncharted waters of what I am.  I am better than this and that next person deserves better than this. I will navigate those waters and be sure to map out those reefs thoroughly before allowing any boat within them.

Happiness is only real when it is shared but our intentions are only true when it is real happiness that we seek to share, not the miseries and unsettled pasts of previous broken hearts and shattered dreams.

Self-sufficient

To accurately summarize the past six months I would need a word that concomitantly spoke to obtaining a secure grasp on an extraordinary amount of emotional adversity as well as incorporating an exhausting effort towards reinvention of oneself.

The courthouse I visited today in Flint, Michigan is the same one I found myself in just less than 5 years ago. It was then I stood before the county clerk and applied for a marriage license with my soon to be wife. Today, in that same courthouse, I stood beside that same woman yet only this time we legally bid adieus to one another.

I began this blog to document the promises I made to make myself a better human being. I wanted full accountability for myself and from my friends and family. Through this journey, I have spent considerable amount of time trying to understand what aspects of me are genuine and which aspects of me I have added because I am compensating for someone or something.

Today, as I stepped out of that courthouse I was blasted with a cold March wind, but it was the knowledge that I am on the right path that struck me swifter. As I walked down the street, hair in my eyes, face turning red with the bite of the wind and my arms tucked closely to stifle the heat from leaving my body, my coattails flapped in the wind behind me but it was as if they were waiving goodbye to something. Turning a page. Ending a chapter. Finally free to move on.

Tonight I let go of any grudge I have held. I spit out all the grit that I've reluctantly chewed. I absolve myself from all of pain that I have blended with cheap scotch. I disarm all of the blame I have allowed myself to carry. I surrender to the idea that the rest of my life is mine to write. Then, I succumb to the feelings that I could never face; I am my own.

Tonight I breathed a reluctant sigh for the manner in which I decided to help write that last chapter. But before that breath could completely leave my lungs, I shed a tear for how beautiful that next chapter will be written.

The Day of My Birth

At 2am on February 19th, 1979 I was born in a house in Birmingham, Michigan; an address I have no knowledge of. I was born from a British woman, 20 years of age, of whom I am not yet privileged enough to even know her name. She traveled to the United States at such a young age for reasons I have no idea of.  And I was conceived from the seed of man that, to this day, does not know that I even exist.

It was not until after 5am on February 20th that I was received at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, Michigan. Why the 27 hour delay? Will it only be, in my first day of existence, that I can say I was able to make eye contact with the woman who gave me the gift of life? Did we sit for hours staring at each other as only you knew you would make the decision to potentially never see me again? Did I stare back at you, as I memorized the beat of your heart, with a face that made you question the justification you would set in that very heart as to why you would deny yourself the title of mother that you had only to embrace?

On that day, did I lay for hours writhing in your arms seemingly paying my frustration forward for the years I will have to wait to consciously lay eyes upon you again? Was that day as difficult for you as today is for me where I have to simply wait for you to someday find the courage to meet me that is probably equivalent to the courage I have had to face life not knowing a single human being that I share blood with?  I marvel at the luxury you had to be the one to make the decision and not have the decision yielded upon you. I do acknowledge that decision comes with a heart-wrenching ramification as well to know that you are solely responsible for it.

I look back on what little records I have and they subtly bring me a smile to me as they are the only thing that I have to go on   "...with auburn hair, blue eyes, a fair complexion and a slender build."   "...very passionate in her profession"   "...the case worker described your birth mother as a very attractive 20 year old with long very long, auburn hair. The case worker stated that she was very outgoing and related well to others." 

As much as it hurts to know that this is all I know of you, it still brings a smile to my face with a certain curiosity that only has one means of ever being satisfied. I know that I simply will not have peace until I have all of the pieces. With all of this awareness and you knowing I am literally a phone call away, I still cannot possibly conceive whether the anniversary of February 19th is now more difficult for you or I.

Finding, not hitting, the wall

I had a solid 5 weeks of of driving the wagon and keeping the pedal to the metal and then...I fell right off. I went back and revisited the things I resolved to do...

1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.  Check.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately. Surprisingly enough, check.
3. I will restart and complete my p90x program by April 1st, 2013. I haven't worked out or ran in 2 weeks.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake. Not too bad, I've chipped away but no big leaps yet.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey. I feel I have successfully completed the first step which is squaring away my thoughts and feelings on closing my most recent chapter.

So overall there are some wins but more situations where I have fallen short. Just tonight, I was sitting and wallowing on a few things; I miss my son, today is the one year anniversary of a friend of mine passing, this was a stressful week at work and then I just learned that a co-worker of mine just lost her niece to her second battle with cancer while still in her early 20s.

Why is it so easy to latch on to misery and beg for company? Is it just the fact that it's the path of least resistance and a prerequisite for doing so is simply doing nothing? It is just too easy and I gravitated towards it tonight.

Then my thoughts turned to my friend that passed away last year. If that guy had it to do all over again, I am certain it would be different. Everyone knows hindsight is 20/20 but do we realize that the lens focus of foresight is exclusively controlled by determination? The vision we see of ourselves is as real as the day is when it finally comes to fruition.

It was only then that I disgusted myself. How could I have the gall to have every opportunity available to me to be something better and pass on it the past 2 weeks when people that are far greater than I will never have the chance to do so again.

I guess the lesson for myself this week is perception. I should not reconcile whether or not perception truly is the best  influence of reality but deciding that I want my reality to end up becoming influenced by the best way I can perceive it.

Realigning Relationships

After the blog I posted last week I did a significant amount of thinking on it and soul searching, if you will. In that post, I came to the realization that there were things within myself I needed to understand and embrace whether they were good or bad. I had initially intended to have a relaxing weekend where I would partner up with a bottle of scotch and do a little more writing. Instead, I ended up doing a ton of running around and helping other people out yet I was still left feeling very self-satisfied but I had no explanation as to why.

The more I began to answer that 'why' the more the irony set in. Over the past few weeks I have been coming to terms with understanding what aspects of 'me' make me 'me', if that makes sense. Since my son was born almost two years ago I have worked at being a father every day. Up until this past fall, I also spent a significant amount of time trying to be a better husband, ultimately to no avail. With all the effort exerted there, I forgot that I am also a son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew and a friend. This weekend I was humbly reminded of all six of those.

I set out with the idea of sitting alone this weekend and attempting to gather shreds if identity within myself and to gain a better internal understanding. I was delivered a weekend not of that but of helping other people and reconnecting with old friends and have gathered more of that self-identity than had I only spent that time alone.

I have spent most of my 2013 thinking of ways to focus on or reconcile myself internally but feel I've made more gains this weekend by hardly focusing on myself at all. I have spent time pondering ways to capture and understand identity internally and gained great insight with external measures. Adding to the efforts of trying to be a better father, these past few weeks and especially this past weekend I feel I have made a genuine effort at becoming a more thoughtful son, a closer brother, an uncle to look up to, a cousin that can be leaned on, a nephew that can be depended on and a great friend who can be there and this has brought more of a sense of what I am than any solitary action, thought or poem I could have written.

In my New Year's Day post when I started this blog, I did not specifically bullet point 'reconnecting with my family and good people' but have been working to do that. Spending more time with my family and re-establishing great friendships that I've allowed to wilt a bit over the years has been one of the most invigorating and rewarding experiences of my life to date. I set out to do that because I geneuinely care about those people and wanted them back in my life. The fufillment, sense of identity and satisfaction that I have gotten from that choice is simply overwhelming and I cannot thank those family members and those close friends of mine enough for welcoming me back with open arms.

I know that I have a long way to go but I really feel that not only did I pull down a major 'win' for myself this weekend but I did it with the help of those that I love the most and am happily indebted to them for it; I eagerly await the next moment I can pay it back again.

Thoughts on Adoption

One of the more difficult things that I face to reconcile is the fact that I am adopted. As silly as it may seem, until just the past few years I never really took the time to stop and think about what that means and how it influences my actions.

As far back as my memory goes, I have always known that I was adopted. After reading about horror stories of adults discovering they were in fact adopted after decades of being told otherwise, I reflect incredibly thankful that my parents chose the potentially tougher route and explaining that to me early on in my life.

Digressing for a moment to make a latter point I have always been the person that will fit right into most crowds. Charisma has always been my greatest weapon when confronting the unknown and developing relationships. The problem is, that process of "fitting in" has evolved into altering my personality in ways, adjusting my sense of humor or just tweaking my sense of interest; a really scary idea when I stop and examine it in hindsight.

Then what I viewed as an unfortunate realization struck me; fitting into an unknown crowd is one of the first developmental things that I ever learned. Worse still, a prerequisite to the adopted is a painstaking loss of identity. I have only question marks when it comes to my heritage, there is little comfort in learning an adoptive family's lineage and I have no other human to look at and take comfort in the fact I share a physical likeness with. Being charismatic and building strong relationships is not an attribute I inherited, it is a skill I was forced to develop. The day that one of your greatest strengths rings back potentially with a disingenuous tone, oh how the walls can come down.

When you have nothing to attach your identity to, you take shelter in what you do well. Then I realized stronger aspects of my personality were not even organic, so to speak. As much as accepting that fact could have stymied any progress that I have made, it serves as a beacon. Instead of wallowing in another quality that makes me different because I am adopted, I now allow it to help define me.

If I wish to cast away everything that is not congruent with what I am, how could I initially loathe this quality that I perpetuated because of a circumstance that I am? I have come to my mistake; I was only looking for aspects of myself that came about in a favorable fashion. I see now that I have to seek the imperfections within myself or the great qualities that came about under tough circumstances to begin to define myself.

Whether I meet my biological parents or not is somewhat irrelevant. As great as that would be one day, I no longer view that reunion as having exclusive rights to finding some type of peace with myself. I need to focus on myself and not a reunion that I cannot control. I need to turn within and become aware of and embrace all of those imperfections to understand what I am. That journey is one that I can control. That endeavor is one that I can make present. Applying that concept is the path that will lead me to the identity that I have lacked for so long, one in which I can begin to fill the empty within me.

The Deception of Reception

The concept of a paradox is one in which I have been fascinated with since I first learned its definition. To examine a paradox is to ideologically suggest that something's only purpose for existence is to contradict itself and only within that contradiction is the suggestion that it may exist. Could anything be more beautifully poetic?

There are times in this life where some of us beg for change. Some of us wish for it beyond any hope of it ever substantiating. Some of us fall to our knees in prayer to a grand architect and ask for divine intervention to deliver it to us. Even fewer still possess the fortitude to stand and will that change into existence.

For the ones lucky enough or able enough to make gains on that change, why do we ultimately fear that change? We've begged, wished, prayed or fought for it and then it stands before us and stares us right in the face. All the work, chasing, focus... all of it brought us to the point where we can reach out and grasp with our bare hands what it was we longed for so dear. Yet, we tremble as we reach out and then in the moment of truth a majority of us retreat, empty-handed.

I am learning that within the context of the human spirit our hopes, wants and desires are truly paradoxical. We wish for what we have yet to obtain and nothing we have obtained satisfies us. We are ultimately the spiritually bi-polar and we lie victim to existential over-consumption.

For me, this same concept bleeds into how I relate to women, how I occasionally view these changes that I am in the middle of and how I lose focus throughout the day. Am I chasing what is best for me? For someone who does not know himself very well I find this question painstakingly difficult to determine. 

At the same time, day after day, I am able to confidently hold the idea of 'yes, I am' in answer to that question for longer periods of time before dashed by second guessing. As I push the limits of what I can physically accomplish, as I unwind confounded thought into words and finally as I reconcile with what I think of 'me', I begin to find pieces of myself. These were ends that were tattered in someone else's name and these are shards that were broken off in the name of character compromise. I will stitch and I will melt down every last lost piece and the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts. After all of the patchwork is in place and all of the smelted material has cooled, somehow I have a funny feeling that I'll be smiling in the mirror at an incredibly familiar face that which I will feel that I never lost in the first place.

Prone to Infection?

It is becoming increasingly obvious to me the past few days that passion is one of the most infectious things we have in this life. Passion knows no specific species and attacks no particular demographic. The volatility of it is abhorrently clear as well for if you pour so much into one area of your life, that levy will eventually break and it will pour into all other areas of your life; whether it be positive or negative.

I have not been prone to that infection before. Why? I certainly love the flashy idea of change. I definitely saw the short term gains of those changes but then I just accepted where and what I was at the time and learned to be happy with it.

I think the problem was the source. The source of my passion previously will go unidentified but it was inherently wrong. In general, the source of that passion directly affects the level of infectiousness. For instance, last year I started running again. I went through a 2 month phase where I would run 2-3 miles at a time maybe 2-3 times a week. My motivation was I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to look better and I wanted to be healthy. Well, my last post I talked about my self talk and how I used to let it take the wheel. Thinking just that small 'win' of running was good enough, I would literally light up a cigarette after a run!

Well, today was the first day I've ran since August. Just on determination alone, in 30 degree weather, I ran 4.5 miles without stopping. I hate running it's just as much a physical challenge as it is mental. Tonight, I enjoyed every slush-splashing, breath fogging, cramp causing step and I could not get enough.

You see, this time the source of my motivation is different. I do not want to just be healthy, I want to live long enough to spend as much time as possible with my son and, perhaps one day that special someone. I do not want to just look better, I want to physically test, establish then push what my body can do- if I can do that with my body and strength then I can learn to do that with my heart and ability to love.

These are all things that I am doing to make it easier to live with myself, because right now I cannot settle for this mediocre person I have allowed myself to become. Eventually, I can evolve that toleration into appreciating then finally accepting what I am. That is when I will be able to say that I love myself and can emotionally move on from where I am now. Where I am now has some tricky qualities and my self talk will do everything to keep me here. I will spend the next few months restructuring my frame and fine tuning this new engine. I cannot get this place into my rearview mirror quick enough and I simply cannot wait to lay a smoldering set of tire tracks across the pavement on my way out.

Calling It Out

As with anything new that you start, it is right when you begin that seemingly every thought you could possibly fathom runs through your head. Classic inception; excitement, adrenaline, hope and a flash of what the human spirit is capable of. All of this flooded my head when I clicked 'publish' last night and added one more tiny, irrelevant blip on the ever-expanding global blogosphere.

Thinking ahead to where my mindset would be 24 hours from that moment I tried to prepare for the worst. I committed to blogging, quitting smoking, working out, budgeting better and hell I even threw in inner peace... I was on a roll, why not? So, I went ahead told myself that biting off more than you can chew is a natural progression towards growth. If I can hit some of these things but not all then I'm still taking steps forward. Meeting and sometimes backing down from the adversity of change is a just a way of testing it to better understand that opponent the next time you face him. Allow realism to sink in and find small wins.

Nope, I called bullshit on myself.

That is a classic elaborate spin on what- if you strip away the flashy diction and ignore the 21 point scrabble words- we should all chastise for mediocrity. I am the king of self-talk just like that. As a matter of fact, I've spent years strategizing every word of it and copy-writing the blue print for it, literally making myself my own enabler. Today, however, I have duly noted a hairline crack in that foundation; honesty.

Tomorrow, everyone will of course be honest. Today, in that tested moment honesty can suck entirely. To talk about the consistent honesty of yesterday well, that's the stuff of couples in their 80's walking on the beach and still holding hands. That is what makes a martyr so admirable and sustaining honestly is a source of sheer inspiration throughout history.

I realize I simply cannot ever be honest in a relationship until I learn to be honest with myself. Calling out fancy excuses like that was tough to do today but it is the first step to pulling out all of the stops and - if I can allude to one of my favorite authors - giving way to me being able to suck out all the marrow of 2013.

The hour is late, the first full day of not smoking is in the books, that alarm is going off at 5am to work out and I have ample amounts of ass to kick at work tomorrow.

Resolute

I rarely allow myself to get caught in the wake of new year resolutions. Many times the degree that we long for a something in our lives is only to be outdone by our lack of ability to make that change and we revert back to the old habit or fail in beginning a new one.

As I walked through Detroit on the first morning of the new year, there was something different in the air and the onset of 2013 struck incredibly profound to me. It is clear to me that this impression was perpetuated from living alone again and the emotional adversity that can follow has certainly been present and accounted for.

I realize today that I have chased happiness through many avenues; women, friends, hobbies and other pleasant distractions that I do not wish to specifically name. Never once has that happiness come from within and alas I do not believe my world has ever even seen a light drizzle. That drought ends this year.

In other words, 2013 is undoubtedly and unequivocally mine for the taking.

Louis Brandeis was dead on when he said “Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants.” I will then tip some "sunlight" for all of you on my intentions and hopefully that will add validity to my level of commitment in this effort.

1. I will add to this blog once per week for the entire year.
2. I will quit smoking, immediately.
3. I will restart and complete my P90x program by April 1st, 2013.
4. 2013 will be the first and debt-purging year of my 3 year plan to own a home on/near a lake.
5. Most importantly, I will learn to be happy alone before my next emotional journey.

There you have it, the five things I am aiming for this year to improve my life. I have always wanted to write some type of blog but failed to find things I was passionate about. If I do not have passion for this, then I have nothing else. So please, come along with me on this endeavor as I begin to reconcile with myself. I intend to describe and identify the difficulty of this for myself and, of course, what gets measured gets improved.